Intro
So, this stems from a discussion I was having with my girlfriends about where the romance goes.
When I came home, I kind of sat and thought about something that my friend told me in secret. She explained a certain situation with her boyfriend to me and she was very hesitant at first. She basically went all, see, I'm just annoyed not pissed or anything. And it's not like I don't wanna be with him anymore or anything as stupid as that. It's not even about me feeling neglected or unloved or anything as dramatic as that...it's just that you get used to a standard of living and then shit happens, or rather (in her case) shit doesn't happen. So I'm annoyed but I'm actually kind of annoyed at ME for expecting too much, yanno?
I laughed awkwardly and then showed my concern and sympathy for her after which she looked at me and said, tell me that I'm okay. Like, even if I'm not, you know? I never wanted to be in a relationship but if I was ever going to be in one I thought it would be the stuff of movies to be able to tempt me, you know? The stuff of dreams, like Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Boggart but. You know. Less black and white! It's not that way anymore and I don't know if I'm more disappointed that I got some of that and then I stopped getting it or that I ever got it because it actually almost reached my impossible standards and now that it's fallen I think less of myself because I'm okay with this whole thing and I never thought I'd let this shit slide.
What did I do?
I did the only thing I knew she wanted me to do, I smiled and hugged her and I whispered that even my standards are impossible to reach and that I'm never going to be in that perfect state with that perfect guy because That Guy is from a different time. And so I am, even though I feel like I'm not. If he reaches my standards, I doubt I'll be able to believe it, and when he falls below standards later (because let's face it, they're called standards for a reason), I'll be disappointed.
Eh, it's fine. She'll be okay. In the meanwhile, check this out:
She came back to his apartment-no, their place-late, as usual. It was a Saturday and Saturdays were for enjoying the night...after all, she was young and happy and so was he!
Lock clicked,
Door creaked.
She avoided making too many sounds as she entered, took off her painful, yet pretty, heels; shut the door and locked it.
Leaning against the door, she closed her eyes and breathed in and out deeply.
Was it supposed to be like this? Was this the life that they had dreamed of? That he had shown her, that he had promised would never change but it had-OH, but it had.
She had laughed every time, and she had stroked his cheek, looked into his eyes, and murmured that she believed him. Things would never change, everything would always be this "awesome".
But things change, and most people refuse to admit that they will, that they do, and that they have,
Not her,
She had always known;
Always.
It was okay, she chanted in her mind, over and over again. It was okay, this was normal. This is how life works. this is the end game. This is that which everyone hopes to achieve. This is what they want. This is how it should be.
Her eyes suddenly opened and she blinked before that feeling overcame her.
That certain feeling that she hated and she never let herself feel.
If she did, then she'd have to admit that even though she was happy...she wasn't really happy and she had always known that she couldn't sustain the happiness, anyway, so it wasn't that much of a shock.
When she saw him, everything was okay. When they spoke, her heart fluttered. When they touched, sparks flew. But-
Yes, there's always a but.
B U T
At those secret times like this, she found herself grasping for air, suffocating with the taste of despair, loneliness, unfulfilled subconscious desires struggling to get out and god knows what else. The dreamer in her, the Zelda Fitzgerald of the 1920s was dying a little bit every day and it was SO hard, at times. SO HARD TO LIVE.
TO BREATHE.
TO EXIST.
TO-
She released the air from inside her and closed her eyes again and started to breathe in and breathe out slowly and rhythmically.
ImOKIllbefineThisisnormalThisislifeYesCestlavieForgetCarpeDiemThatslameItsforsuckersandposersLifeisboringasallhellbutImnottheonlyonewholivesthislifeEverydaycannotbeAWESOMEsoitsfineIllsurviveItsokayIhavehimIthoughtIdidntneedanythingelseHeshouldbeenoughIfonlyeverythinghadntbecomedifferentWhydopeoplebecomesocomplacent-
Eyes fluttered open again.
She checked her watch. Only a little more than a minute or two.
Always felt like an eternity inside her head where all the nastiness tried to rise up against her.
She tiptoed to the bathroom to change and get ready for bed.
There was no one waiting, no one smiling, no one there.
No, she had never needed someone -never wanted someone- to be there. So why did she now? Well, old girl, she said to her reflection, you got used to living the standard you pretended you didn't want. And now he's gone back to normal standards and you hate normal. You tried so hard to be normal, you thought he wasn't but he is. But it's okay, you can do this. Wash your face, pretend to be sleepy so you can sleep now, don't touch the cig pack that you're fingering, and go to sleep because normal isn't so bad. And your standards were always too high.
I just wanted more, she whispered back at herself through the reflection of a warped mirror. Her torn and tattered soul forced the words right out of her because no one would have to hear, but maybe she needed to listen to herself a little bit? Maybe. Maybe not.
I thought I didn't, I thought I didn't want any of this at the beginning. I laughed when it all happened, made fun of him, it, us...everything. But I loved it. Life is supposed to be like that. Like the movies, like the books, like all those damn musicals that I was raised on. And yes, I struggled, but I succumbed. And that's all it needed. I succumbed so it stopped. It's gone now. It's 2016 and we don't have time for romance, for dreaming, for cheesy things and grand gestures.
iMessages are the new romantic letters from one's sweetheart.
Blow jobs are the new hesitant kiss at the end of the date while you're standing in front of your door.
Sexting is the new courtship ritual.
Amazon deliveries are the chocolates and flowers and cards that come when someone misses you.
'Netflix and chill's are the new dates...if there's a date, at all, of any sort, that's not just a "oh hi, when are we meeting because of course we are" hang out session.
Bloody hell, she whispered back at her reflection, can you stop? It's not all bad, okay? I mean, I don't exactly want him to hold open a door for me or anything. And it's not like it's his fault, and I know I can't ever tell him when I'm annoyed by stuff like this because it's not his fault and I'm not blaming him but he'll think all that anyway.
A knock on the door, she looks away from herself very suddenly.
Coming, she calls out, wiping her face with a towel as she opens the door.
"Hello darling, did you just get back," he smiles at her.
Suddenly, she forgets everything and smiles back, "Oh, only half an hour ago. Go back to sleep. You're tired, you have work and you always get a headache if you don't sleep enough."
"Yeah yeah, I know. But I want to be awake. For YOU!" he kisses her cheek and all her painful thoughts vanish.Standards and principles disappear into thing air since nothing else matters, any more. If it ever did. Maybe. Maybe?
"But I don't want you to be sick. I hate it when that happens so go sleep, come on!" Her heart willed him to stay up anyway but it also willed him to sleep because she didn't want him to be sick and hated it when he forced himself to stay up just for her. It should be easier, shouldn't it? It should come naturally. He shouldn't have to force himself to do it.
Back when he didn't have to wake up early but she did and they had barely just met and known each other, she spent hours staying up texting him. She got into trouble for being late the next day, suffered from nasty side effects of sleep deprivation and never once did she tell him anything that could stop her from talking to him for as long as possible.
The situation reversed itself and by now he knew he didn't have to make an effort anymore. They were established in their existence with each other. No need to make the old extra efforts. No need to even think about how things have changed. No need for anything anymore.
No need.
"Fineeeee. Lemme pee, my bladders bursting. I'll come join you and puts the lights off in a second!"
Her heart stopped for a second. How foolish to think that he had awoken for her or had stayed awake so he could greet her return. She was only a fool, how could she purge her mind of these thoughts?
She shook her head and sighed.
She was presuming things again. She was his and he was hers.
And apparently, nothing else mattered.
So, this stems from a discussion I was having with my girlfriends about where the romance goes.
When I came home, I kind of sat and thought about something that my friend told me in secret. She explained a certain situation with her boyfriend to me and she was very hesitant at first. She basically went all, see, I'm just annoyed not pissed or anything. And it's not like I don't wanna be with him anymore or anything as stupid as that. It's not even about me feeling neglected or unloved or anything as dramatic as that...it's just that you get used to a standard of living and then shit happens, or rather (in her case) shit doesn't happen. So I'm annoyed but I'm actually kind of annoyed at ME for expecting too much, yanno?
I laughed awkwardly and then showed my concern and sympathy for her after which she looked at me and said, tell me that I'm okay. Like, even if I'm not, you know? I never wanted to be in a relationship but if I was ever going to be in one I thought it would be the stuff of movies to be able to tempt me, you know? The stuff of dreams, like Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Boggart but. You know. Less black and white! It's not that way anymore and I don't know if I'm more disappointed that I got some of that and then I stopped getting it or that I ever got it because it actually almost reached my impossible standards and now that it's fallen I think less of myself because I'm okay with this whole thing and I never thought I'd let this shit slide.
What did I do?
I did the only thing I knew she wanted me to do, I smiled and hugged her and I whispered that even my standards are impossible to reach and that I'm never going to be in that perfect state with that perfect guy because That Guy is from a different time. And so I am, even though I feel like I'm not. If he reaches my standards, I doubt I'll be able to believe it, and when he falls below standards later (because let's face it, they're called standards for a reason), I'll be disappointed.
Eh, it's fine. She'll be okay. In the meanwhile, check this out:
Story
"Taken For Granted?"
She came back to his apartment-no, their place-late, as usual. It was a Saturday and Saturdays were for enjoying the night...after all, she was young and happy and so was he!
Lock clicked,
Door creaked.
She avoided making too many sounds as she entered, took off her painful, yet pretty, heels; shut the door and locked it.
Leaning against the door, she closed her eyes and breathed in and out deeply.
Was it supposed to be like this? Was this the life that they had dreamed of? That he had shown her, that he had promised would never change but it had-OH, but it had.
She had laughed every time, and she had stroked his cheek, looked into his eyes, and murmured that she believed him. Things would never change, everything would always be this "awesome".
But things change, and most people refuse to admit that they will, that they do, and that they have,
Not her,
She had always known;
Always.
It was okay, she chanted in her mind, over and over again. It was okay, this was normal. This is how life works. this is the end game. This is that which everyone hopes to achieve. This is what they want. This is how it should be.
Her eyes suddenly opened and she blinked before that feeling overcame her.
That certain feeling that she hated and she never let herself feel.
If she did, then she'd have to admit that even though she was happy...she wasn't really happy and she had always known that she couldn't sustain the happiness, anyway, so it wasn't that much of a shock.
When she saw him, everything was okay. When they spoke, her heart fluttered. When they touched, sparks flew. But-
Yes, there's always a but.
B U T
At those secret times like this, she found herself grasping for air, suffocating with the taste of despair, loneliness, unfulfilled subconscious desires struggling to get out and god knows what else. The dreamer in her, the Zelda Fitzgerald of the 1920s was dying a little bit every day and it was SO hard, at times. SO HARD TO LIVE.
TO BREATHE.
TO EXIST.
TO-
She released the air from inside her and closed her eyes again and started to breathe in and breathe out slowly and rhythmically.
ImOKIllbefineThisisnormalThisislifeYesCestlavieForgetCarpeDiemThatslameItsforsuckersandposersLifeisboringasallhellbutImnottheonlyonewholivesthislifeEverydaycannotbeAWESOMEsoitsfineIllsurviveItsokayIhavehimIthoughtIdidntneedanythingelseHeshouldbeenoughIfonlyeverythinghadntbecomedifferentWhydopeoplebecomesocomplacent-
Eyes fluttered open again.
She checked her watch. Only a little more than a minute or two.
Always felt like an eternity inside her head where all the nastiness tried to rise up against her.
She tiptoed to the bathroom to change and get ready for bed.
There was no one waiting, no one smiling, no one there.
No, she had never needed someone -never wanted someone- to be there. So why did she now? Well, old girl, she said to her reflection, you got used to living the standard you pretended you didn't want. And now he's gone back to normal standards and you hate normal. You tried so hard to be normal, you thought he wasn't but he is. But it's okay, you can do this. Wash your face, pretend to be sleepy so you can sleep now, don't touch the cig pack that you're fingering, and go to sleep because normal isn't so bad. And your standards were always too high.
I just wanted more, she whispered back at herself through the reflection of a warped mirror. Her torn and tattered soul forced the words right out of her because no one would have to hear, but maybe she needed to listen to herself a little bit? Maybe. Maybe not.
I thought I didn't, I thought I didn't want any of this at the beginning. I laughed when it all happened, made fun of him, it, us...everything. But I loved it. Life is supposed to be like that. Like the movies, like the books, like all those damn musicals that I was raised on. And yes, I struggled, but I succumbed. And that's all it needed. I succumbed so it stopped. It's gone now. It's 2016 and we don't have time for romance, for dreaming, for cheesy things and grand gestures.
iMessages are the new romantic letters from one's sweetheart.
Blow jobs are the new hesitant kiss at the end of the date while you're standing in front of your door.
Sexting is the new courtship ritual.
Amazon deliveries are the chocolates and flowers and cards that come when someone misses you.
'Netflix and chill's are the new dates...if there's a date, at all, of any sort, that's not just a "oh hi, when are we meeting because of course we are" hang out session.
Bloody hell, she whispered back at her reflection, can you stop? It's not all bad, okay? I mean, I don't exactly want him to hold open a door for me or anything. And it's not like it's his fault, and I know I can't ever tell him when I'm annoyed by stuff like this because it's not his fault and I'm not blaming him but he'll think all that anyway.
I'm better than this.
Aren't I?
Yes.
Or no.
I don't know. God, I can't think. I'm so confused-
Yes.
Or no.
I don't know. God, I can't think. I'm so confused-
-Go away. Don't stay here, you're Old Me. I can't let you live anymore. You need to die so New Me can live.
A knock on the door, she looks away from herself very suddenly.
Coming, she calls out, wiping her face with a towel as she opens the door.
"Hello darling, did you just get back," he smiles at her.
Suddenly, she forgets everything and smiles back, "Oh, only half an hour ago. Go back to sleep. You're tired, you have work and you always get a headache if you don't sleep enough."
"Yeah yeah, I know. But I want to be awake. For YOU!" he kisses her cheek and all her painful thoughts vanish.Standards and principles disappear into thing air since nothing else matters, any more. If it ever did. Maybe. Maybe?
"But I don't want you to be sick. I hate it when that happens so go sleep, come on!" Her heart willed him to stay up anyway but it also willed him to sleep because she didn't want him to be sick and hated it when he forced himself to stay up just for her. It should be easier, shouldn't it? It should come naturally. He shouldn't have to force himself to do it.
Back when he didn't have to wake up early but she did and they had barely just met and known each other, she spent hours staying up texting him. She got into trouble for being late the next day, suffered from nasty side effects of sleep deprivation and never once did she tell him anything that could stop her from talking to him for as long as possible.
The situation reversed itself and by now he knew he didn't have to make an effort anymore. They were established in their existence with each other. No need to make the old extra efforts. No need to even think about how things have changed. No need for anything anymore.
No need.
"Fineeeee. Lemme pee, my bladders bursting. I'll come join you and puts the lights off in a second!"
Her heart stopped for a second. How foolish to think that he had awoken for her or had stayed awake so he could greet her return. She was only a fool, how could she purge her mind of these thoughts?
She shook her head and sighed.
She was presuming things again. She was his and he was hers.
And apparently, nothing else mattered.
-x-
