Dearest readers,
Bonne nuit everybody, or at least anybody, if anyone's out there and reading.
It's a not-so-cold, winter-is-almost-over, night and I'm finally home.
Valentine's Day is finally over and I did something new last night! I discovered how to live stream on Instagram (yeah, okay, I'm late to it and I'm still tech-challenged as usual) so at 11 something PM I started live streaming and doing my usual talking-to-myself bullshit while people showed up and commented at me. It started as something to do because I was bored of the people whining about V Day and the equal number of mushy posts on Facebook but it made me feel really weird.
I forgot how much fun it was to connect with people and most of all, I forgot how amazing it was to write.
Honestly, I'm not gonna lie, my life went pretty downhill for a bit. And it was getting difficult to breathe so I shut myself out. If you've ever felt this, then you know what I'm saying, and if you haven't-well, I hope you'll never understand it because you've been lucky. VERY lucky. And you only recognize four things when they're gone: freedom, happiness, love, and LUCK.
A few people convinced me to start writing again and I asked them, but what do I even write about? And they told me, anything and everything- it's what you do, right? And I realized that I can do that. My Muse had left me in despair, pain and a misery so unrelenting that I still suffer from it but if you can't deal with the old Muse, you have to embrace it and look for another one, eh?
Not sure what this is about yet, but I knew I wanted to write again, and so, I went on YouTube after I watched a bit of 2 Broke Girls, because I recently binged Black Mirror and basically turned into a crazy person. Sadly, I'm not even kidding. Two friends came over and had an intervention ._. They still wanna hit me for actually being stupid enough to binge that but what can I say, when I see something that I know will destroy me, I go ahead and do it anyway. I'm the rip-off-the-bandaid-while-it's-still-probably-bleeding kinda person. Hence, the 2BG binging, to try and shove BM aside and live normally again xD
Somewhere on YouTube a song from another life appeared.
I have no idea how I had forgotten that song, guys. If you know anything about me, then you know that >.>
SO.
My point is, music is everything.
And everything is music.
It's way past midnight and I'm still waiting for my game's update to finish and I got bored of playing Runescape again (why the Hell did I start playing that again? Wtf even) and I'm so tired but I'm oddly "Euphoric" the way Gardner was in The Space Between Us, when he stepped on to Earth for the first time ever. This music makes me want to sway, it makes me want to stop letting myself drown, it makes me want to pull myself up and start breathing the unclean air and filter my lungs so that I'll be alive again.
Most of all, it makes me feel like me again.
I haven't felt like me in a long time. Maybe a year or two, actually.
Does that ever happen to you? Like you're in somebody else's reality but it's you, only, it's not REALLY you, you're just playing the role you've been appointed.
And you don't know what else to do so you're just chillin' and rollin' and continuin' doin'
I won't just do anymore.
I'm going to be Me, again.
I don't know who that is, honestly, but which of us does?
Am I the girl who sits alone at home and forgets to text back or pick up her calls?
Am I the guy who buys a girl a drink and grinds as hard as he can and hopes the alcohol will wash away the feeling of unrequited love and leave him feeling more whole?
Am I the girl who googles application forms and writes everything out with a Five Year plan and is going places?
Am I the guy who can't marry the man that's he in love with because the law says they're illegal?
Am I the-
You know what?
I don't care.
I can be all of them, I can be none of them.
But I can't not be Me.
I'm tired of apologizing for who I am.
I'm tired of blaming everything on being Me or on NOT being Me.
I am Me. (No, not that annoying Arya Stark knockoff, Moffat. Please stop, you're embarrassing yourself with the whole Clara nonsense anyway.)
I think, possibly overthink to a point that my friends say they're terrified of me sometimes and especially because they KNOW how much I can overthink and how bad it's going to get but I do think. And because I think, I must be.
And if I am, then I must be Me.
Who else could I ever be?
Yeah, I'm Me. And I can do anything. I can be myself without being terrified of the consequences.
I will draw again, I will write again, I will study again, I will work again, I will love again, I will live again.
Because where there is life, there is hope.
Cheesy AF line, but it's legit.
And I guess, I actually needed that.
Happy Valentine's Day because I need you all to remember that ya gotta love the crap outta yourself every day, and not just today.
I need you to remember that you are worth loving.
I need you to remember that La La Land was right, and you don't just need that somebody out there that YOU know, you just need that somebody out there to be you.
The music will guide your way, and hopefully, it'll turn into an actual person so I can marry it.
Bottle of wine, the IRL version of this music and I'm down for the wedding, yo :V
I love you, dear reader. Even if you don't love yourself, I do, and always will.
So don't think there's nobody out there, because if you're reading, I am, and always will be.
Bonne nuit everybody, or at least anybody, if anyone's out there and reading.
It's a not-so-cold, winter-is-almost-over, night and I'm finally home.
Valentine's Day is finally over and I did something new last night! I discovered how to live stream on Instagram (yeah, okay, I'm late to it and I'm still tech-challenged as usual) so at 11 something PM I started live streaming and doing my usual talking-to-myself bullshit while people showed up and commented at me. It started as something to do because I was bored of the people whining about V Day and the equal number of mushy posts on Facebook but it made me feel really weird.
I forgot how much fun it was to connect with people and most of all, I forgot how amazing it was to write.
Honestly, I'm not gonna lie, my life went pretty downhill for a bit. And it was getting difficult to breathe so I shut myself out. If you've ever felt this, then you know what I'm saying, and if you haven't-well, I hope you'll never understand it because you've been lucky. VERY lucky. And you only recognize four things when they're gone: freedom, happiness, love, and LUCK.
A few people convinced me to start writing again and I asked them, but what do I even write about? And they told me, anything and everything- it's what you do, right? And I realized that I can do that. My Muse had left me in despair, pain and a misery so unrelenting that I still suffer from it but if you can't deal with the old Muse, you have to embrace it and look for another one, eh?
Not sure what this is about yet, but I knew I wanted to write again, and so, I went on YouTube after I watched a bit of 2 Broke Girls, because I recently binged Black Mirror and basically turned into a crazy person. Sadly, I'm not even kidding. Two friends came over and had an intervention ._. They still wanna hit me for actually being stupid enough to binge that but what can I say, when I see something that I know will destroy me, I go ahead and do it anyway. I'm the rip-off-the-bandaid-while-it's-still-probably-bleeding kinda person. Hence, the 2BG binging, to try and shove BM aside and live normally again xD
Somewhere on YouTube a song from another life appeared.
I have no idea how I had forgotten that song, guys. If you know anything about me, then you know that >.>
- Music, books and moving pictures are my version of emotional relationships: I meet, I fall in love, and they end aka the break up and I find another to remind myself to be happy again. Is it any wonder that I adore Doctor Who so much? I only ever need a break from that relationship. The show never ends, the Doctor always regenerates and the relationship will continue no matter what :')
- I have the world's worst memory ever. Not even kidding, recently, I found out that this guy I met a few months back who hit on me (first time we ever met each other, or so we thought) had apparently been friends with me YEARS ago. I was like, umm what? A wallpost from WhatsHisFace? Dated 4 years ago? I'm so confused. I must have un-friended him and actually completely forgotten about him. Legit don't even remember him despite seeing the proof. I'm so confused. Our mutual friends are STILL laughing their asses off about this xD So, I get that I forgot the song. I'm just upset because I feel like some memories and feelings are associated with them and I can't access those even tho I feel the imprints and it's frickin' beautiful.
SO.
My point is, music is everything.
And everything is music.
It's way past midnight and I'm still waiting for my game's update to finish and I got bored of playing Runescape again (why the Hell did I start playing that again? Wtf even) and I'm so tired but I'm oddly "Euphoric" the way Gardner was in The Space Between Us, when he stepped on to Earth for the first time ever. This music makes me want to sway, it makes me want to stop letting myself drown, it makes me want to pull myself up and start breathing the unclean air and filter my lungs so that I'll be alive again.
Most of all, it makes me feel like me again.
I haven't felt like me in a long time. Maybe a year or two, actually.
Does that ever happen to you? Like you're in somebody else's reality but it's you, only, it's not REALLY you, you're just playing the role you've been appointed.
And you don't know what else to do so you're just chillin' and rollin' and continuin' doin'
I won't just do anymore.
I'm going to be Me, again.
I don't know who that is, honestly, but which of us does?
Am I the girl who sits alone at home and forgets to text back or pick up her calls?
Am I the guy who buys a girl a drink and grinds as hard as he can and hopes the alcohol will wash away the feeling of unrequited love and leave him feeling more whole?
Am I the girl who googles application forms and writes everything out with a Five Year plan and is going places?
Am I the guy who can't marry the man that's he in love with because the law says they're illegal?
Am I the-
You know what?
I don't care.
I can be all of them, I can be none of them.
But I can't not be Me.
I'm tired of apologizing for who I am.
I'm tired of blaming everything on being Me or on NOT being Me.
I am Me. (No, not that annoying Arya Stark knockoff, Moffat. Please stop, you're embarrassing yourself with the whole Clara nonsense anyway.)
I am a person.
I matter.
I exist.
I think, possibly overthink to a point that my friends say they're terrified of me sometimes and especially because they KNOW how much I can overthink and how bad it's going to get but I do think. And because I think, I must be.
And if I am, then I must be Me.
Who else could I ever be?
Yeah, I'm Me. And I can do anything. I can be myself without being terrified of the consequences.
I will draw again, I will write again, I will study again, I will work again, I will love again, I will live again.
Because where there is life, there is hope.
Cheesy AF line, but it's legit.
And I guess, I actually needed that.
Happy Valentine's Day because I need you all to remember that ya gotta love the crap outta yourself every day, and not just today.
I need you to remember that you are worth loving.
I need you to remember that La La Land was right, and you don't just need that somebody out there that YOU know, you just need that somebody out there to be you.
The music will guide your way, and hopefully, it'll turn into an actual person so I can marry it.
Bottle of wine, the IRL version of this music and I'm down for the wedding, yo :V
I love you, dear reader. Even if you don't love yourself, I do, and always will.
So don't think there's nobody out there, because if you're reading, I am, and always will be.
xoxoxox,
Love,
Alternate Reality Challenged Writer's Blocked Rei.
-x-
Disclaimer: Just a reminder that I do lie in my intros sometimes, so treat them as alternate stories ya'll. And yes, I'm putting this in because my friends found the blog and whined about certain parts XD The point of the occasional lying isn't just for the story settings but also so they don't know it's me who's writing so now I'm annoyed xD