Random Reality Ramble 031

Intro:

HEY GUYS!

I decided to try out a traditional type blog post, for once.

Exceeeeept, Imma write it out as a character, so it's still a story and I do know someone whose thoughts and life I may be borrowing from but shhhhh, it still counts, okay? :X

[Edit in 2017 due to Reasons: PS. If the people involved are reading it, as always, I'm here for you, okay? And I love you all. No matter what. And unlike everyone else, I actually mean it. Try me, anytime :)]

STORY/BLOG POST

So, as I finished my entire marathon of 30 Rock, I thought a lot of things towards the end. I've never seen the final episode, or so much of the show and altogether and making complete sense so it was this weird roller coaster of emotions.

I was basically going, wow, I started this show because I couldn't get over finishing Community and the disappointment of reality in that show towards the end and I only started that show because I needed to burn off energy that I spent in thinking too much whenever I was alone and would become sad or unhappy or freak out or something. It's even funnier, of course, when you consider the facts regarding how I couldn't watch or read or do ANYTHING that made me happy or fulfilled me because I decided to let someone in, for once in my life, and I trusted him. And I gave him everything-for me, that's my television shows, my books, my movies, my music, my fandom...all of it.

I don't know how many of you know me but if you do, you know I guard these things jealously and carefully. While I recommend books and shows, I won't mention the ones I really like unless they're mainstream enough to be obvious. If you bring up something I love then I may portray it as something you probably won't enjoy. It's not obvious, but I can't help doing it. Manipulation is the art of keeping happiness to yourself, people, and you know you all do your own version of it.

So, while he kept getting upset about me not telling him I love him despite us starting this whole thing with me insisting he understand that I might never love him; he completely missed out on my total and complete declarations of love. I shared it alllll with him. I made him fall in love with every TV Show, every movie, every book, every story, every piece of music, my city, the places I go to...all of it. That's my declaration of undying love, you see, and I don't think I realized I was literally giving away pieces of myself to a man who, well. I guess we all know how this story goes, eh? Haha.

So, while trying to cope with everything and having disarmed myself, I was in a bit of a stump. I had no more weapons, I was stumbling around naked and everything had been taken away from me. I found solace in nothing. I can't watch rom coms without thinking of how everybody lies, I can't watch comedy without thinking that none of this will eventually work out, I can't watch horror without thinking of how he couldn't watch it and so I stopped for him, I can't watch mysteries or thriller because I'd make a shitty detective if I can't tell I'm living with a lie for so long. I already knew I was living with a liar...I just didn't think he'd lie to me about important things and mean it. And yes, telling someone you'd stay no matter what when they refuse to listen to stupid things like that and not staying makes people into liars. ANYWAY, I digress.

The point being I had to find old new things. Untouched things, a ray of shining hoping amidst cloudy skies. 30 Rock's ending made me go OMG HOW CAN I DEAL WITH THIS SHOW BEING OVER AND ALSO WHEN DID I FALL SO IN LOVE WITH IT THIS WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE A CASUAL WHATEV THING I BARELY PAID ATTENTION TO AND NOW I EVEN PAUSE IT AND REWIND SOMETIMES :O to HOLY SHIT MOST PERFECT ENDING EVER I'LL MISS THEIR REFERENCES AND HOW CLEVER THEY ARE AND EVERYTHING BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS OKAY IT MAKES SENSE I CAN LET IT GO THANK YOU NBC FOR BRAINWASHING ME INTO LIKING YOU

And suddenly I realized that

Oh.

That was my entire relationship and I think I'm finally over it.

I've always been extraordinarily good at cutting people off for little reason and strictly so like Liz Lemon, and I didn't do that, this time. Why? Why did I cling on like Big Bang Theory or Supernatural which should have freaking ended at Season 5 when Kripke left? I think I was holding on to everything I gave away to him.

Facebook has a memories thing, you know, and I can see me never really changing, through the years. Perhaps getting wittier and more sarcastic, narcissistic and fabulous but more or less remaining the same fuck all independent piece of shit and I'm different now. I can literally see the last time I was my old self and it was before you took me over and infected me with this gibberish people call 'love" that I did start believing in until today. I saw your first wallpost on my timeline...and I was still me. I know, as it progresses, I'm already bracing myself to watch us become friends, then best friends, then lovers, then people who are dating, then each other's other halves, then slowly I'll watch us disintegrate. And I will probably do it every year.

It's gonna hurt and it's not a band aid, so it'll keep happening. And I can finally deal with it!

I don't know if I've been waiting for you to come and tell me you want to try again, because you were the one who forced me to agree to do this whole thing after chasing me for god knows how long.

I miss it.

I miss the chase, but I miss us before we started dating and I told you it was going to be a mistake and I was right.

I'm always right :)

Sometimes, sometimes? I hate myself.

*le gasp*

Blasphemy!

It's okay. I'm too awesome to not hate myself sometimes, everybody else already does because they all wanna be me :*

But I think I'm finally done with all of it. I see all the things I let you get away with. I see how you made everything about me about you. I see that I have never let anyone or anything change me but I let you and that's why I was so miserable towards the end. I forgot how to be me while trying to make you happy because you convinced me I needed to do that because I was guilty I couldn't love you like you did me but it turned out that I was the one who fell in love with you and you were the cold heart-ed bitch who could just walk away at any time like you thought I would be (and to be fair, usually am).

I see it all.

And I still loved you for it. And maybe I still do, but the cold psycho heartless bitch is back and she's happy with being back. She's missed being herself. And she's changed.

But some change is good.

No more people who bring me down.

No more people who become too essential that their losses may affect me.

I had these rules before but I became lax. No biggie.

So anyway, what I also saw in my FB memories was;

The statuses I had been tagged on back when I went to my first ever concert. It was an Alternative Rock band that was very popular and to this day, I have no idea how that gig even happened but it was crazy and spectacular and I can still taste the sweat, the rain the feeling of the lead singer's voice dripping against my body like sex (or what we thought sex could be like, anyway). Tired, but still standing on the handles of the seats, jumping up and down, and singing the lines to every song they played. They announced that this was the best gig that they had ever played, later, and they were blown away by the fact that we all knew every damn song of theirs. I was so happy, so proud, so ecstatic. It was one of the few days I've been truly happy and I remember so much of it and I didn't even realize I remembered any of it but I do and you suddenly didn't matter anymore.

I saw pictures from a big event I was part of where I made friends who I still work with now and new friends who are in those pictures and we're texting about how crazy it is and how we were all so surprisingly connected right now! I wore crazy clothes and I was super tired but I loved every damn minute of it and I can still feel that day.

You don't matter anymore.

You weren't there for any of that, you could have been there for days that could have been that but you weren't. Not only that, you also ruined all those days and I couldn't enjoy some fantastic memories and I don't have pictures to remember any of them either.

I had so many great things happen that could have been like those days and if you had been meant to matter, you would have helped. Instead of being passed out on 31st right before midnight in a pile of your own vomit as I thought about the annual traditional party I got to with the same group of people that I missed to be with you. I came home and I lied about going to another party after putting you to bed but I didn't. I sat in the veranda and smoked while staring at all fireworks and thinking about how I've never had a worse New Year even thought it was the first one where I was with somebody who kept wanting to talk about marriage which was something that scared me but with you...I could see it happening. I thought about how many shitty New Years were to come with you and then I shook it off because sometime in the last few months I had fallen in love with you even thought I had promised myself that I'd end this in January by making you break up with me somehow.

I gave you a final test and you failed it, I could have spent my entire life with you but I'm glad that you don't matter anymore.

I LOVE being single. I forgot how much I used to LOVE being single and hate relationships. I forgot how my friends cribbed about being single while I smirked because they were all stupid for not enjoying it. I love being me. I love not being held back.

I love it all.

I guess I realized that a persons entire life can start, happen, and end all in a year. You can live your entire life out in a whole year and then it's gone, just like that, poof!

AND IT IS PERFECTLY OKAY to keep living and it's possible.

Crazy things happen in a year, people get injured, almost die, someone actually dies, another person almost dies, another gets deathly sick, and so on. But at the end of a year, it's all in the past and that, my dear readers, is

Signing off, until next time, folks! :D

Love,

Jane Doe.

Alternate Reality Ramble 030

Introduction

Hi everyone! I'm sorry, I haven't posted anything in a really long time. I've been super busy on top of which I actually got pretty sick for the last week and a half and therefore, started to go stir crazy. If anyone who really knows me is reading this, then you already know that I'm a weird mixture of contradictions. I'm crazy social sometimes and then I'm completely unsocial to a manic point. An ex once spoke down to me and said, "You NEED people," whereas someone else close to me once said, "Bitch, I know you hate everyone, so don't pretend you're not loving the alone time!"

The downside is that I spend too much time playing with myself. Also, when you generally hear the words "playing with myself", they tend to mean doing a certain act whereas in my case, it ends up meaning "doing a full fledged imaginary Broadway show because I'm home alone" or "staging imaginary situations and conversations with myself playing the different people involved".Am I crazy? Eh. The best ones are, so I'm not particularly worried about it, and you shouldn't be, either :3

So, a friend of mine had a tiny fleeting crush on this guy she met 3 or 4 years ago. Which recurred sometime last year twice, sadly, the second time which was a proper opportunity to accomplish something was when she somehow managed to have a boyfriend who she actually thought was a forever deal, and trust me when I say that that girl does not date, nor does she believe in commitment of any form, but she actually did which is shocking in itself. But, I digress.

So, the second time she did some sabotaging so that it would never happen. But (this is the part that gets fun-not for her, well, sort of but not really) guess what? A year later, all she's left with is massive trust issues, commitment issues times x and, a broken heart, just when she finally decided to love for real.

She threw herself into a lot of stuff and encountered this guy again, suddenly, and damned if that random crush didn't come floating back. Seriously, guys, I don't really do crushes so I have no idea if this is a thing but I'm told that random fleeting recurring crushes aren't a thing? Anyway, so she was tossing and turning the other night, listening to Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" and trying to condition herself to get over it (hey, she just admitted she's in love and it took her a year to reach that conclusion, and she's sort of emotionally stunted so cut her some slack, okay?) because she has to and called me. I'm sick, and suffer from insomnia anyway, so I was up doing pretty much nothing because I have no life and was ready to hear her ask me why she dated a guy who was super clingy but found it extremely easy to completely disappear from her life one day randomly and therefore was he just using her and manipulating her just as she'd always suspected? After which she generally apologizes to me and tells me she knows she's become completely pathetic now and she loves how I don't change the way I think of her despite all this because everyone else has and she hates it...

BUT

I directed the conversation a few different ways and got something fun out of her. So, you know how when you're crushing on someone this one thing they do becomes super important and significant at that time? She had one of those kinda awesome moments times 2 or three in one night, and much like Ted and Victoria, in HIMYM, decided to leave it at that forever because perfect is a memory every girl needs.

Imma do my normal thing and spin my own version of it (because I have a night I can sorta mix it up with to make it even more interesting and realistic to write, anyway) so here we go!

STORY

     She tied up her hair up tightly and put on the headgear. After finishing up the final touches of  oddly coloured make up, she pursed her lips at her reflection and twirled.

"Victor and Victoria at once? I think I've got this!", she exclaimed, as if she was actually on the stage and doing the metamorphosis for the people.

The night was good, the night was great, the crowd was brilliant, everyone congratulated her for pulling it off and she was happy. She went outside to smoke a cigarette and suddenly heard a deep voice from behind her, "Hey kid, who are you supposed to be?"

She turned around and did jazz hands for show, "I'm Victoria from Le Jazz Hot, silly. What, did you think I'm a man?"

I looked at his strong jawline, as my fingers ached to trace it out, and waited for his doomed response that would signify him not understanding the reference just like everyone else here and therefore dooming that little crush she randomly felt like having but-

"Julie Andrews, I wouldn't dream of thinking you're Victor. You're clearly Victoria, m'darlin' and it's a pleasure to meet you. You gonna perform a number for us tonight, doll?"

"I'm intrigued. You recognize me, I know I did a terrible 20 minute job with the cosplay but even after an explanation, literally no one has gotten it so far. You silent movie stars are good at this, eh?", I raised an eyebrow at him almost like a challenge, my heart suddenly beating faster than it had in a long time.

I was saying stupid things, needless chitchat, while desperately wanting to be more witty and fascinating. I was suddenly very conscious of how ridiculous my entire outfit was, exactly. The top felt too low cut, the bottom felt far too sweeping and too short while the headgear felt incomplete without the feathers but perhaps a little less ridiculous. My hands eventually almost reached out to touch his bare arm but fell away as we conversed and we both lit another cigarette each and I'm probably reaching but I assume it's because we both wanted to prolong that conversation rather than assuming we're both chain smokers, because that's the happier thought.

He suddenly raised his hand to ALMOST touch my cheek and stopped. The conversation suddenly turned awkward.

"So uh, did you see the live action version with Idina in it? I already loved Rent but that made it so much better," I babbled trying to pretend neither of us had noticed that hesitation. I tried to pretend it didn't mean anything and it was just a hiccup and we could keep pretending and trying but it was too late. The moment had gone.

And sometimes, you can't stop there, because we're human and we have to keep trying until we destroy the possibility of the moment ever happening again.

"No, you would say that about Farscape but I did think before and I noticed they had some interesting differences when you consider all the factors properly. Oh damn, I'd better go back in now, it's time for us to perform! Wish me luck. Great talking to you.", he tipped his hat and walked back in.

She leaned back against the wall, and suddenly felt like she could breathe again while feeling her heartbeat stabilizing.

There was something there, just maybe. And he felt it, too.

But what if they ruined it?

What if they'd try and they'd mess each other up and eventually hate each other and ruin themselves until one of them decided to be selfish and just got up and left.

How would she know if this was that one person who wasn't going to leave and would instead stay, and ride the storm out, and wait and be there, and deserve the good times because he'd brave the bad times because she was worth it?

Was it not better to just cherish the perfect moment they just had instead of using it as a 'and that's when I started falling for you' story?

Perfect stories make perfect memories. Perfect memories make happy people.

And she needed to be happy, she hadn't been happy in a long, long time.

She shook her head, everyone assumed that because she was impulsive and out of control at times, she couldn't possibly overthink but she always did. The difference in her overthinking everything is that she pretended to disregard the possible consequences if she decided to do something seemingly impulsive and this time, even she had gone too far.

Mapping out an entire imaginary possible future with someone she didn't even know the relationship status of?

Hah.

She walked back inside after throwing out the stub of her tangle of complicated thoughts that may have resulted in a possible timeline divergence in space and time.

Hours later, she went and congratulated him because his set was amazing, "Thank you so much for playing today! You guys were amazing. I couldn't have pulled this off without you all."

Everyone was vying for his attention and he looked at her and laughed with the flush of a good performance in his voice, "Thank me with payment some time if possible! Starving artists are a sad fact of life haha, but seriously, thank you for the opportunity. This was so much fun!"

"Money-well, I'm a starving organizer myself- but I can pay you in hugs!"

Time paused.

WHATDIDIJUSTSAYOMGLIKESERIOUSLYHOWLAMEAMIBEINGRIGHTNOW

Calm down.

Breathe.

I can recover from this.

Unpause.

"If only hugs were all we needed but yes, once I finish wrapping up? I'll want that hug!"

She waited for a bit but his fans overwhelmed that side. She finished up the rest of the work and the place was ready to be closed.

While waiting for the cab, her friend asked her to fetch her wallet from the table inside where she left it so she went back.

It was dark, so she used her iPhone torch and found the purse.

"Hey, I was wondering where you were."

She almost jumped, "Hell's bells, don't do that! I almost thought the ghost of a crazy revolutionary had come to murder me and I would be helpless since I forgot to carry salt."

"Do I look like a crazy ghost?", he was suddenly so close she could count the lashes on his eyes (except that no one in their right mind counts lashes). Why did he have prettier eyes than she did, although she had to admit she was playing a woman who was playing a man playing a woman so beauty was not the most important feature in question at this point.

"Maybe. How would I know? It is kinda dark in here, and you haven't left the building at all today."

"Touch me, I'm corporeal. At least you'll know I'm not, you know, dead.", he rolled his eyes.

Seriously, why is that even slightly attractive? It's such a stupid thing to do.

I put my hand on his chest to push him back and shine the torch on him but after touching him I sort of just...stopped.

"I guess you can materialize in the real world then, huh? Are you using ectoplasm or have you properly manifested?", I looked up at his face and he looked down at me with a weird twinkle in his eyes.

"You'll have to find out. Hug? I recall you saying I deserved one."

"Yeah. Of course, though you're just assuming you've earned it," I was suddenly a little breathless.

He pulled me in closer, he was still sweaty from playing his set and I'd normally be concerned about my outfit but for some reason, all I could do was concentrate on being perfectly normal.

"I guess I've earned it. It's probably been five minutes, should we...stop? I'm not completely sure as to how hugging works. New to this world and all, you know." I could feel his warm breath on my skin as my ears listened to his whisper.

"I think we should, it might be getting a little inappropriate."

He pulled away.

"Hey, before you go?"

"Yeah?" I stopped walking to the door and looked back at him and shined the light near him.

"Can I do a traditional French goodbye, because I'm a French silent movie actor after all, mon belle. And ghosts can get away with anything, right?"

"Taking advantage of a woman who loves jazz, I see. Well, I suppose it's a one time thing. A kiss by any other name is still a kiss though, but a kiss from a ghost is quite extraordinary, I should think. I'm honoured." I narrowed my eyes and smirked at him.

He walked slowly to me for what felt like at eternity in slow motion but was actually maybe two steps or three at most and cupped my waist, pulling me in tight.

He touched my cheek and raised my face while leaning down as I stood on my toes and, well.

We said goodbye in the acceptably French way.

"Au revoir, Monsieur Fantome. Jusqu'a...encore, oui?"

"Madame, your French is atrocious but yes, until next time. I'll be seeing you," he tipped his imaginary hat at me.

I turned around, stifling a smile.

And ran back to my ordinary life and listened to my friend lecturing me about how much money a meter can run if I take so much time.

The next time we'd meet, we'd be pretending none of this had happened. Yet, there was something there.

The question was, would it bloom or would it be nursed in a secret place?

Well, I guess I'd find out eventually.

-x-