Alternate Reality Ramble 020

Intro

My friend threw a fit when she heard she got accepted into a college very far away from her live-in  boyfriend of a year. She was happy she got in but she knew she wouldn't last long distance. She cried her sadness, frustration and pain out to me as I listened for hours feeling like a traitor because all I wanted to do is whisper to her that long distance is stupid. It never works. It's just a lot of pain in a prison made by yourself.

So, anyway. This is an alternate reality version of what it could be like to be away from the person you need the most or something...IDK. Just drafted it out randomly while procrastinating on work that I have a deadline on x.x

Here it goes:

Ghosts of Sleep Past

It was funny how I couldn't sleep because of the ghost of our past. I felt the glorious need to feel your legs entwined with mine as I fretfully moved around in my sleep or rather, well, to be fair, I wasn't sleeping yet. But you were.

I felt your thumb brush the bottom of my breast as you pulled me in closely, half awake, mostly unconscious, in your dreamworld. As if even in your sleep, you wanted me to be as close to you as possible.

I basked in the warmth of your embrace. The fact that you could feel the need to be so close to me even in your deepest sleep...meant something. I didn't know WHAT it meant, but I knew it was important in some way or the other.

In the night, a time when I needed to go to sleep so so badly, the one thing I couldn't shake was the phantom of you and me together. Once again.  It was the memory of you and the feeling of how it was to go to sleep right next to you.

I had never gone to sleep next to another person, nay, a lover, if you please, before you.

Je reve de toi...as always.

We had spent maybe 3 to 4 nights together. They had seemed much too long then but it felt as if they were barely worth a handful of moments now. The memory may have felt fleeting but it was grounded in my mind and my body. I somehow craved that special type of vulnerable intimacy with someone-that someone being you, of course. Now that I'd felt you, been with you, listened to you and had you invade all my thoughts...how could I settle for anything lesser?

I miss you.

Three simple words filled with longing and all sorts of intense emotions that I couldn't actually feel but I knew that the night awoke them in me.It was the witching hour and it was playing with my thoughts, my mind and my body.
I missed you.

I missed everything about you.

I miss how you had that weird little smile, how pretty I found your fingers, how much fun it was to play with your hair, how your face always captivated me...more than any Dali painting ever had, really. I missed waking up in the morning next to you. Seeing you with your eyes almost shut as your hair fell across your forehead...well, I've never wanted kiss someone so much as that moment right in the morning.

Waking up next to you always made me think that the whole day was going to be wonderful just because it started with me and you, and you always made everything better by just...being.  It was nice, it was fun and it was so comfortable. It felt like a routine although it's something I've never shared with anyone before. It wasn't sexual...it was just this blissful feel of belonging. And it made me happy in a way that I hadn't even realized till now.

Now, far far away from you, that time, that moment, and everything to do with all of that.

It had felt like something we should be doing every day for our entire lives but it wasn't and that left this feeling of having a gaping whole in my aura where you fit in, perfectly. You and I had felt like a never ending cycle of something important. Something metaphysical and mystical...not that I believed in such New Age bullshit.

How could something that felt never ending and repetitive feel so enjoyable even though it was neither of those things? 3 AM at night, and it still baffled me. Sometimes, I felt as though it always would except things always made more sense when the sun went down and not up.

I couldn't stop feeling
I couldn't stop seeing
I couldn't stop being...

...in those moments. Those so very few and brief moments.

All I did now was too and turn, searching for a warm body that wasn't there in my empty bed.

But you weren't there.

It hurt, but did it hurt because we were closer than ever before or did it hurt because you weren't there...at all?

I was alone.

I had always enjoyed being alone so this odd...need. This feeling, this ache that was so foreign repulsed me. It was a ridiculously alien thing festering inside of me and I needed it to be gone but it was there, always there-pushing my sleep away for yet another hour of remembrance.

I laughed and smiled in a bittersweet way that I can, inside my head.

I could hear all these insane things I was thinking and I couldn't even stop myself.

It was terrifying.

I pushed them away and I hugged my teddy bear close to me, turned around and squeezed my eyes shut as if that would block out everything that was preventing me from sleeping tonight...and every night.

I didn't need you, I reminded myself. I was strong, independent and happy the way I was.

So why did I feel so lost and unfulfilled?

I guess tonight, again,

Je reve de toi, mon perdue?

Random Reality Post 019 (Movie-Spoilers-BatmanVsSuperman: DawnOfJustice-Rant Response)

HEY GUYS! 

So, I watched  BvS on the first day of release and was massively disappointed with most of it but very happy with (shocker shocker) Gadot's WW and oh damn, that not-even-a-minute cameo by Aquaman.

Some douche posted a stupid status about how awesome the movie is for totally ridiculous reasons that don't make any sense (to me) and so many agreed with him that I was compelled to write a response. And then I realized if I'm writing so much, I might as well utilize it, so here it is:

1) Superman has zero character. I cannot get over how he's basically a cardboard figure that frowns like Superman and stands there. Like ahahahaha it's beyond sad and lame xD
2) Whats the point in calling it day vs night if there's no day?
3) Lois was supposed to be the main female lead but she was so pointless and unneeded in the movie and she had zero special chemistry with Supes, nor did she and his relationship mean much
4) Incoherent story, rambling, too much mish mash, too much trying to live up to hype, too much need to plant the seeds of JL instead of focusing on the movies itself, too much implanting as much as possible in order to attempt to make it better
5) Uneven plot, randomness. Some parts are plain ridiculous, if people who read the comics, for example, (some of them) don't get the Flash ka vision thingy then how will non CC fans manage to understand, care, or remember it?
6) Don't get me started on the seemingly convenient points of the plot, the plotholes, the sacrifice of other characters (development wise) in order to work on batman. Hello, she throws the damn spear in the water cuz she's that stupid. Instead of Batsy going to get it. Then, WW could have done the spear lodging but nooooo the only guy who shouldn't do it has to do it. Like, I can't even discuss the ridiculousness of the plot.
8) I cannot stress on how pointless and needlessly gritty they tried so very hard to make this. Like, I just can't even-that's how ridiculous it is. Sigh. And the fact that they're trying too hard shows, which is what's the most annoying thing of all =.=
7) Honestly, I'm actually tired of discussing how, frankly, SAD this movie was. All the critics and fans were right: WW and Aquaman were the highlights of the movie and considering how unimportant they were meant to be...that's just sad. That Flash official cameo was awful, as well even tho Ezra could prolly pull off a good comics version Flash so I'll still believe in him. Man, I actually like Supergirl better than Superman if you count the show as part of the DCEU. The first few episodes were meh but that show is going damn well :o


Additional stuff I'll to the blog version: 

• SO MANY THINGS DON'T MAKE SENSE: How can you steal a digital image, get with the times, WW =.= (ISTILLLOVEYOUPLEASEDONTKILLMEKTHNXBAI)
• I loved WW but that suddenly reminds me of the fact that she's totally unexplained...I pity the muggles who watched this movie ._.
• If Jesse's version of Lex Luther counts as a sort of origin story but an origin story for a guy who's more like our current times...then it was pretty good. I loved the end transformation and eagerly await the transformation into a slick, sophisticated mastervillian.

• Something I read somewhere that made sense: " "Dawn of Justice" doesn't do that. Instead, it's the most expensive "what if?" story ever made. It pushes to the very edges of the characters and makes fundamental, unthinkable changes. "Dawn of Justice" asks: What if Superman were a callous god? What if Batman killed people? What if the fictional world of fantastical heroes that has delighted and inspired kids of all ages for the best part of a century were a thoroughly joyless, miserable, awful place?"

• "This Superman is not a beacon of hope. He's not a cheerful reminder that helping others is always the right thing, that power doesn't have to corrupt. Instead he's a troubled god, blotting out the sun above us. Actor Henry Cavill is either snarling or frowning, eyes glowing demonic red, his handsome features more evil Prince Charming than kindly benefactor. The tone is set from the start. After all the anguish in "Man of Steel" over the killing at the end, Superman kills the first person he sees in this film."

• HOW IS BATMAN KILLING BECAUSE THAT'S LIKE HIS RULE OKAY LIKE THE BIG IMPORTANT RULE LIKE WTF
• So one thing I don't get is that humanity is either stupid, gullible or just plain annoying here. One minute they love Supes and the next minute they hate him? Like wtf. There's a nice version of this love hate fear thing humanity has with Superman somewhere but this film has nothing to do with that story :|
• Back to Lois who is supposed to be awesome and kickass but makes me want to kill her a thousand times over. How does she simply appear anywhere and everywhere? How is it okay for Superman and her to be a couple in and out of disguise? How is she always so conveniently everywhere and manages to pull stuff off without being much of anything, and it's really not even luck that's working for her! IN FACT, explain to me their great relationship cuz it doesn't exist in this movie, okay?! And use facts from only Man of Steel and this movie to explain it, HAH!
• Sigh. Sometimes I like plots of convenience, most of the times (read: if it doesn't work out) I hate it. That Martha moment? I mean, really? Sure, Batsy might have eased down but to become Superman's BFF after nurturing so much hatred for so long in like, a minute? Uh huh. Totally believable.
• Biggest point, Lex's motivations are WHAT exactly? He seems so all over the place. One minute he wants Superman dead, next minute he hates gods, the minute after that he decides to MAKE a god/demon? ALSO, how stupid is Batfleck if he's suspicious of LL but he doesn't get what's happening and he doesn't even suspect his actual intentions?!
• Yo, if Superman is so cool that he can hear Lois thumping and dying in the water while engaged in a crazy ass to-the-very-soon-gonna-happen-death battle, then why couldn't he hear the ticking bomb in the Capitol hearing thingy cuz REALLY? =.=
• So apparently Krypton is okay with Lex Luther, some random ass crazy human becoming it's master and also using it to do forbidden things? Naaaaice

Dat Comic Book reference in the Martha Kent scene :')

(The Dark Knight Returns)

• Snyder does seem to do a good job on those straight-outta-the-comic moments. Gotta applaud the guy for that, Batfleck, and WW...if nothing else :X

Martha's death-Necklace Moment

OKAY GUYS. It's time to stop. I'm done with this madness now. I welcome all comments, questions, responses and reactions.

Thanks for reading my ranting :X

Alternate Reality Ramble 018

Intro: Fan fic Version.

From: Black Jewels Trilogy by Anne Bishop

Involving: Surreal and Falonar, sort of.

Is really: An alternate fan-fiction version of the time when she left and in this version she finds out about Nurien after she comes back to try again. The Daemon thing is a reference to what is going to happen, of course, whether I like it or not...I understand it XD This was written a month or two ago, I think, after a long inebriated discussion with some people about many of the things I used Surreal, Falonar and Daemon, Jaenelle and this situation, to illustrate and explore. I will admit, as always, that this book series has given me completely unrealistic expectations of men, relationship, life, and all those other things that are as important. Really, I've been spoiled for a normal dating life, haha. After Jaenelle and Daemon, could a girl be blamed if she couldn't imagine anything lesser? (Mind, I'm not Witch, okay? She is too freaking amazing. After all, dreams made flesh, eh?)

Here it goes:

         They said that things changed all the time. They said, that people never really knew each other*. They said, that times would change and that change was good*. The Blood didn't worry though, most of them were from the long lived races, after all.

*

          Surreal had lost Titian, then she had lost Daemon. She trained in Red Moon houses all over Hayall but it wasn't until she reached Kaeleer that she had met Falonar. She had had many such encounters with men she was paid for or was going to kill with one of the delicious techniques that Daemon had taught her when he discovered her secret profession as an assassin. A lover, however, that was something she had never taken, until now. She had been broken much too early to believe in love, men and fairytales until she saw Jaenelle and Daemon, Marian and Lucifer and all those others in the Shadow realm.

Jaenelle had asked her when she arrived at the Keep this morning, "Did you love Falonar?"

        She looked into Witch's eyes and whispered, "No, but I tried. I loved him as much as I could. I gave him as much of my heart as was left." Jaenelle had looked away-those ancient sapphire eyes burned with a knowledge of something more and above all, affection. Surreal had never been loved since she had lost Titian-not until she had 'acquired' the SaDiablo family, of course.

*

         Falonar had sparked all those issues that she had buried deep inside of her, clearly. He loved her, apparently, and she had thought that she should give this whole thing a chance, since Men were not the evil she had thought they were. Even the Sadist was a good man when he had Jaenelle. Jaenelle was a delicate thing now, but Surreal couldn't believe how she could handle Daemon when he was the Sadist. Especially when the Sadist came out to play, and Jaenelle tangled with the Sadist effortlessly almost even though Daemon was always horrified in the morning and scared for Jaenelle, but he shouldn't have been. She was an extraordinary woman who had been an extraordinary little girl, as well.

She had never loved Falonar, not in the way of Daemon and Jaenelle of course, she had never even let herself try to fall in love properly-with all her heart and soul. She was too afraid of being hurt, of being tossed away like a ragdoll, to be only used when needed with her own feelings and thoughts being disregarded, too afraid of losing to ever allow herself to gain. Too afraid of being emotionally ruined, because her mind was the only thing they hadn't been able to touch, over the years.

But what had started had now begun to fray.

He used to talk to her all the time, woke up and spoke till the stars faded, and the sun rose, even if he had to report for training in the morning as Luciver generally asked of his men; especially the one sharing his adopted cousin's bed and life. Luciver was an unrelentingly protective and annoying prick, after all. They spoke and made love, and bared their soul to one another,

Of weapons, of lives, of battles, of them.

He did wonderful little things all the time. He truly wooed her-an art the artistos in Hayall could stand to learn instead of just paying for services to relieve themselves. He made her feel special, as if she wasn't what she really was. As if she was everything-something she hadn't even known that she had wanted from anyone else, something that she couldn't give herself. he had treated her the way she deserved, but now...

It was different.

No more late night conversations while they burned the witchlight. It was always about the upcoming battle. About HIS preparations, about how he needed to defeat everyone and show Luciver he was better than him. As if her things weren't important anymore. After all, the boyos had banned her from her two known professions and she was therefore effectively doing nothing except sparring for fun once in a while. Even that pissed Falonar off, she could tell even though he tried to hide it. The very thing that had attracted him was what put him off now. Her mastery of weapons, her independence, her confidence, her efficiency when she killed, but in the end he was still just a man. It would be disappointing, really, if it wasn't what happened everytime. They liked the chase, they liked the thrill but they rarely liked a happy ending.

He was too ambitious to allow her to do, as he called it, nothing. Sometimes, she felt as if he needed her to be the woman who followed him around all the time and did what he asked for. To think of it, she had been an easy lay anyway. He barely had to make an effort for her. One man shows the right sort of interest without much of an effort, really, and she jumps into bed with her heart? Titian would have been disappointed in her. The Harpies didn't condone stupidity, especially about men. Chaosti would have skinned Falonar alive, so she had to make sure no one knew about her stupidity regarding her thoughts about him. He would probably just wanted her to be a meek little woman for him. He had already gotten her, the unconquerable Surreal, the woman who was deadly enough to survive adoption by the SaDiablo family and that wasn't just because of her gray jewel. So he was lax now. He had achieved his goal and it had been so so very easy.

That's all she was: an end goal.

Yes, he had loved her-he DID love her. But. Still.

She couldn't even tell him off or insult him or lash out when she was in a mood like she did with her adopted cousins and Chaosti. She had to be so normal, so controlled, she had to retract her claws an whithold most of her numerous knives-who would have thought of it? So careful, always worried about him and HIS feelings.

Was that what she had become?

A meek little hearth witch?

Apparently

It chaffed.

And so, she left.

-x-

Random Reality Ramble 017 (On Grief and Loss)

Intro: Random Essay-Like Post Thingy.

Voila:

Grief is spoken about so eloquently everywhere. When you Google it, there are about a hundred fascinating things you can read that you may remember from books that you read while burning the electricity into the night:

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
― John Green, TFiOS

“I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien

“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

“You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
― J.K.R., Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix







“Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.”
― Veronica Roth, Insurgent

“But when I do feel all the strength go out of me, and I fall to my knees beside the table and I think I cry, then, or at least I want to, and everything inside me screams for just one more kiss, one more word, one more glance, one more.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

When we read all these words in the actual narrative, I do not think we truly feel it-only that we think we do. It almost feels real, but "almost" is the key word here. We think we feel it and we know we go through it but do we really?

Are we ready for the emptiness and the hollowness that comes with it? The deep chasm of emptiness that might never go away? That feeling of raw nothingness that you want to drown your sorrows in with as many intoxicants as possible? You watch movies and television shows that make you feel and you try to compare the differences in the feelings but the lines between reality and fiction are blurred forever. Nevermore will you be able to forget how WEIRD everything is.

The world hasn't changed. The roads are still noisy, the cars are still moving, the people are all going on with their busy little lives but somewhere, deep within you, everything has changed and you feel like the world should acknowledge that instead of living the way it always does and continuing as if nothing has happened. Nothing important, anyway.

You never know what to say when people offer their condolences and ask you that detestable question, "Are you fine/okay?"

Do you think I'm fine? Do you want to know how much I'm screaming on the inside and my mind is practically exploding with pain, loneliness and things I can't even begin to understand much less explain. Do you want to know that it is almost a Herculean task to wake up in the morning from the deathlike comfort of Morpheus' specialty to realize that it's not like every other day. It is a whole new type of day. It is another day that you have to live with the knowledge that something vital is gone forever and nothing you can do will bring it back.

When you lose, it's hard. They say time heals all things and that everything is okay eventually but all you want is for time to stop, fast forward and move to a point where it's okay. Where everything is over and it's a part of your everyday life and memories and it doesn't make you go, oh wait...there's something wrong with this picture. They never explain to you how you're supposed to go on with your life through the difficult part that's going to be labelled as "healing done by the passing of time".

When you mention the name of that which is gone you suddenly freeze. You don't know how to use past tense or present tense anymore. Grammar deserts you as if it is the enemy. You feel this weird emptiness when you talk about it and you barely notice when everything becomes blurry and you blink the wetness out of your eyes. You strain not to remember because it's not okay yet and you feel as if it'll never be okay again even though you know that eventually, yes, eventually, it'll be okay. But that day seems very very far away right now. Much too far away to hope for.

We are mortal, for all that we have managed to accomplish, we are still ruled by mortality and the fragility of everything being finite. We forget that we are this mortal until we truly brush against our mortality. It feels as if nobody will understand even though there are so many that do. And there's always this one person who should be there, helping and supporting us while we lash out and use up emotions that we don't know what to do with but that one person inevitably fails us. Instead, we end up finding light in places we never looked for. People rise above and offer whatever support they can, trying to ease the loneliness and the pain and it's hard to accept it until you have to.

Until you admit how broken you are inside and that you need their help to pick up the pieces and truly exist again. you smile, and laugh, and hide away all your emotions because you can't afford to breakdown when there are others who need you to hold on. Sometimes, all you need is to get away and be normal and it's almost impossible to do that. But you have to try. It's the only thing you can do.

What is grief? What is sadness? What is pain? What is shock? What is denial? And wherein hides acceptance?

Well, I guess we'll all find out soon enough, eh?

Random Post 16: Bonus Share!

Hey guys!

So, I was on a glee video binge which was started off by an obsessive (on repeat) watch of

Mostly because I kept hearing them sing things like

"So Barry are u ok? Are u ok Barry? you've been hit by, you've been struck by.. A LIGHTING BARRY!" 

or 

"Barry are you okay? Would you tell us, that you're okay? There's a Zoom in the window, if he punch you, you'll die dear Barry." 

in my head (no doubt, prompted by the Youtube comment section because I remember loving this wayyyyy before The Flash :X

Then, I came across the "Make 'Em Laugh" version by Glee and as always, remain unhappy with their inferior copy of that fantastic Singing In the Rain number which was probably my favourite after "Good Morning".

Glee

Singing in the Rain <3

AND I SUDDENLY REMEMBER ONE OF MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE THINGS:

Boys and girls, I must clarify that there will NEVER be a time when I will not need both of these fabulous men in my life.

Never, you hear me? NEVER.

And yes, I wrote this all while standing because whenever I watch and sing this stuff I can't seem to sit down and I basically have this need to embarrass myself by attempting and failing to emulate such dance routines. Yes, it's in the privacy of my room; but I could totally be the main guy in The Truman Show so hey, at least I'm good entertainment yeah? :X

Until next time, folks...and keep tapping ;)