Random Reality Ramble 031

Intro:

HEY GUYS!

I decided to try out a traditional type blog post, for once.

Exceeeeept, Imma write it out as a character, so it's still a story and I do know someone whose thoughts and life I may be borrowing from but shhhhh, it still counts, okay? :X

[Edit in 2017 due to Reasons: PS. If the people involved are reading it, as always, I'm here for you, okay? And I love you all. No matter what. And unlike everyone else, I actually mean it. Try me, anytime :)]

STORY/BLOG POST

So, as I finished my entire marathon of 30 Rock, I thought a lot of things towards the end. I've never seen the final episode, or so much of the show and altogether and making complete sense so it was this weird roller coaster of emotions.

I was basically going, wow, I started this show because I couldn't get over finishing Community and the disappointment of reality in that show towards the end and I only started that show because I needed to burn off energy that I spent in thinking too much whenever I was alone and would become sad or unhappy or freak out or something. It's even funnier, of course, when you consider the facts regarding how I couldn't watch or read or do ANYTHING that made me happy or fulfilled me because I decided to let someone in, for once in my life, and I trusted him. And I gave him everything-for me, that's my television shows, my books, my movies, my music, my fandom...all of it.

I don't know how many of you know me but if you do, you know I guard these things jealously and carefully. While I recommend books and shows, I won't mention the ones I really like unless they're mainstream enough to be obvious. If you bring up something I love then I may portray it as something you probably won't enjoy. It's not obvious, but I can't help doing it. Manipulation is the art of keeping happiness to yourself, people, and you know you all do your own version of it.

So, while he kept getting upset about me not telling him I love him despite us starting this whole thing with me insisting he understand that I might never love him; he completely missed out on my total and complete declarations of love. I shared it alllll with him. I made him fall in love with every TV Show, every movie, every book, every story, every piece of music, my city, the places I go to...all of it. That's my declaration of undying love, you see, and I don't think I realized I was literally giving away pieces of myself to a man who, well. I guess we all know how this story goes, eh? Haha.

So, while trying to cope with everything and having disarmed myself, I was in a bit of a stump. I had no more weapons, I was stumbling around naked and everything had been taken away from me. I found solace in nothing. I can't watch rom coms without thinking of how everybody lies, I can't watch comedy without thinking that none of this will eventually work out, I can't watch horror without thinking of how he couldn't watch it and so I stopped for him, I can't watch mysteries or thriller because I'd make a shitty detective if I can't tell I'm living with a lie for so long. I already knew I was living with a liar...I just didn't think he'd lie to me about important things and mean it. And yes, telling someone you'd stay no matter what when they refuse to listen to stupid things like that and not staying makes people into liars. ANYWAY, I digress.

The point being I had to find old new things. Untouched things, a ray of shining hoping amidst cloudy skies. 30 Rock's ending made me go OMG HOW CAN I DEAL WITH THIS SHOW BEING OVER AND ALSO WHEN DID I FALL SO IN LOVE WITH IT THIS WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE A CASUAL WHATEV THING I BARELY PAID ATTENTION TO AND NOW I EVEN PAUSE IT AND REWIND SOMETIMES :O to HOLY SHIT MOST PERFECT ENDING EVER I'LL MISS THEIR REFERENCES AND HOW CLEVER THEY ARE AND EVERYTHING BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS OKAY IT MAKES SENSE I CAN LET IT GO THANK YOU NBC FOR BRAINWASHING ME INTO LIKING YOU

And suddenly I realized that

Oh.

That was my entire relationship and I think I'm finally over it.

I've always been extraordinarily good at cutting people off for little reason and strictly so like Liz Lemon, and I didn't do that, this time. Why? Why did I cling on like Big Bang Theory or Supernatural which should have freaking ended at Season 5 when Kripke left? I think I was holding on to everything I gave away to him.

Facebook has a memories thing, you know, and I can see me never really changing, through the years. Perhaps getting wittier and more sarcastic, narcissistic and fabulous but more or less remaining the same fuck all independent piece of shit and I'm different now. I can literally see the last time I was my old self and it was before you took me over and infected me with this gibberish people call 'love" that I did start believing in until today. I saw your first wallpost on my timeline...and I was still me. I know, as it progresses, I'm already bracing myself to watch us become friends, then best friends, then lovers, then people who are dating, then each other's other halves, then slowly I'll watch us disintegrate. And I will probably do it every year.

It's gonna hurt and it's not a band aid, so it'll keep happening. And I can finally deal with it!

I don't know if I've been waiting for you to come and tell me you want to try again, because you were the one who forced me to agree to do this whole thing after chasing me for god knows how long.

I miss it.

I miss the chase, but I miss us before we started dating and I told you it was going to be a mistake and I was right.

I'm always right :)

Sometimes, sometimes? I hate myself.

*le gasp*

Blasphemy!

It's okay. I'm too awesome to not hate myself sometimes, everybody else already does because they all wanna be me :*

But I think I'm finally done with all of it. I see all the things I let you get away with. I see how you made everything about me about you. I see that I have never let anyone or anything change me but I let you and that's why I was so miserable towards the end. I forgot how to be me while trying to make you happy because you convinced me I needed to do that because I was guilty I couldn't love you like you did me but it turned out that I was the one who fell in love with you and you were the cold heart-ed bitch who could just walk away at any time like you thought I would be (and to be fair, usually am).

I see it all.

And I still loved you for it. And maybe I still do, but the cold psycho heartless bitch is back and she's happy with being back. She's missed being herself. And she's changed.

But some change is good.

No more people who bring me down.

No more people who become too essential that their losses may affect me.

I had these rules before but I became lax. No biggie.

So anyway, what I also saw in my FB memories was;

The statuses I had been tagged on back when I went to my first ever concert. It was an Alternative Rock band that was very popular and to this day, I have no idea how that gig even happened but it was crazy and spectacular and I can still taste the sweat, the rain the feeling of the lead singer's voice dripping against my body like sex (or what we thought sex could be like, anyway). Tired, but still standing on the handles of the seats, jumping up and down, and singing the lines to every song they played. They announced that this was the best gig that they had ever played, later, and they were blown away by the fact that we all knew every damn song of theirs. I was so happy, so proud, so ecstatic. It was one of the few days I've been truly happy and I remember so much of it and I didn't even realize I remembered any of it but I do and you suddenly didn't matter anymore.

I saw pictures from a big event I was part of where I made friends who I still work with now and new friends who are in those pictures and we're texting about how crazy it is and how we were all so surprisingly connected right now! I wore crazy clothes and I was super tired but I loved every damn minute of it and I can still feel that day.

You don't matter anymore.

You weren't there for any of that, you could have been there for days that could have been that but you weren't. Not only that, you also ruined all those days and I couldn't enjoy some fantastic memories and I don't have pictures to remember any of them either.

I had so many great things happen that could have been like those days and if you had been meant to matter, you would have helped. Instead of being passed out on 31st right before midnight in a pile of your own vomit as I thought about the annual traditional party I got to with the same group of people that I missed to be with you. I came home and I lied about going to another party after putting you to bed but I didn't. I sat in the veranda and smoked while staring at all fireworks and thinking about how I've never had a worse New Year even thought it was the first one where I was with somebody who kept wanting to talk about marriage which was something that scared me but with you...I could see it happening. I thought about how many shitty New Years were to come with you and then I shook it off because sometime in the last few months I had fallen in love with you even thought I had promised myself that I'd end this in January by making you break up with me somehow.

I gave you a final test and you failed it, I could have spent my entire life with you but I'm glad that you don't matter anymore.

I LOVE being single. I forgot how much I used to LOVE being single and hate relationships. I forgot how my friends cribbed about being single while I smirked because they were all stupid for not enjoying it. I love being me. I love not being held back.

I love it all.

I guess I realized that a persons entire life can start, happen, and end all in a year. You can live your entire life out in a whole year and then it's gone, just like that, poof!

AND IT IS PERFECTLY OKAY to keep living and it's possible.

Crazy things happen in a year, people get injured, almost die, someone actually dies, another person almost dies, another gets deathly sick, and so on. But at the end of a year, it's all in the past and that, my dear readers, is

Signing off, until next time, folks! :D

Love,

Jane Doe.

Alternate Reality Ramble 030

Introduction

Hi everyone! I'm sorry, I haven't posted anything in a really long time. I've been super busy on top of which I actually got pretty sick for the last week and a half and therefore, started to go stir crazy. If anyone who really knows me is reading this, then you already know that I'm a weird mixture of contradictions. I'm crazy social sometimes and then I'm completely unsocial to a manic point. An ex once spoke down to me and said, "You NEED people," whereas someone else close to me once said, "Bitch, I know you hate everyone, so don't pretend you're not loving the alone time!"

The downside is that I spend too much time playing with myself. Also, when you generally hear the words "playing with myself", they tend to mean doing a certain act whereas in my case, it ends up meaning "doing a full fledged imaginary Broadway show because I'm home alone" or "staging imaginary situations and conversations with myself playing the different people involved".Am I crazy? Eh. The best ones are, so I'm not particularly worried about it, and you shouldn't be, either :3

So, a friend of mine had a tiny fleeting crush on this guy she met 3 or 4 years ago. Which recurred sometime last year twice, sadly, the second time which was a proper opportunity to accomplish something was when she somehow managed to have a boyfriend who she actually thought was a forever deal, and trust me when I say that that girl does not date, nor does she believe in commitment of any form, but she actually did which is shocking in itself. But, I digress.

So, the second time she did some sabotaging so that it would never happen. But (this is the part that gets fun-not for her, well, sort of but not really) guess what? A year later, all she's left with is massive trust issues, commitment issues times x and, a broken heart, just when she finally decided to love for real.

She threw herself into a lot of stuff and encountered this guy again, suddenly, and damned if that random crush didn't come floating back. Seriously, guys, I don't really do crushes so I have no idea if this is a thing but I'm told that random fleeting recurring crushes aren't a thing? Anyway, so she was tossing and turning the other night, listening to Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" and trying to condition herself to get over it (hey, she just admitted she's in love and it took her a year to reach that conclusion, and she's sort of emotionally stunted so cut her some slack, okay?) because she has to and called me. I'm sick, and suffer from insomnia anyway, so I was up doing pretty much nothing because I have no life and was ready to hear her ask me why she dated a guy who was super clingy but found it extremely easy to completely disappear from her life one day randomly and therefore was he just using her and manipulating her just as she'd always suspected? After which she generally apologizes to me and tells me she knows she's become completely pathetic now and she loves how I don't change the way I think of her despite all this because everyone else has and she hates it...

BUT

I directed the conversation a few different ways and got something fun out of her. So, you know how when you're crushing on someone this one thing they do becomes super important and significant at that time? She had one of those kinda awesome moments times 2 or three in one night, and much like Ted and Victoria, in HIMYM, decided to leave it at that forever because perfect is a memory every girl needs.

Imma do my normal thing and spin my own version of it (because I have a night I can sorta mix it up with to make it even more interesting and realistic to write, anyway) so here we go!

STORY

     She tied up her hair up tightly and put on the headgear. After finishing up the final touches of  oddly coloured make up, she pursed her lips at her reflection and twirled.

"Victor and Victoria at once? I think I've got this!", she exclaimed, as if she was actually on the stage and doing the metamorphosis for the people.

The night was good, the night was great, the crowd was brilliant, everyone congratulated her for pulling it off and she was happy. She went outside to smoke a cigarette and suddenly heard a deep voice from behind her, "Hey kid, who are you supposed to be?"

She turned around and did jazz hands for show, "I'm Victoria from Le Jazz Hot, silly. What, did you think I'm a man?"

I looked at his strong jawline, as my fingers ached to trace it out, and waited for his doomed response that would signify him not understanding the reference just like everyone else here and therefore dooming that little crush she randomly felt like having but-

"Julie Andrews, I wouldn't dream of thinking you're Victor. You're clearly Victoria, m'darlin' and it's a pleasure to meet you. You gonna perform a number for us tonight, doll?"

"I'm intrigued. You recognize me, I know I did a terrible 20 minute job with the cosplay but even after an explanation, literally no one has gotten it so far. You silent movie stars are good at this, eh?", I raised an eyebrow at him almost like a challenge, my heart suddenly beating faster than it had in a long time.

I was saying stupid things, needless chitchat, while desperately wanting to be more witty and fascinating. I was suddenly very conscious of how ridiculous my entire outfit was, exactly. The top felt too low cut, the bottom felt far too sweeping and too short while the headgear felt incomplete without the feathers but perhaps a little less ridiculous. My hands eventually almost reached out to touch his bare arm but fell away as we conversed and we both lit another cigarette each and I'm probably reaching but I assume it's because we both wanted to prolong that conversation rather than assuming we're both chain smokers, because that's the happier thought.

He suddenly raised his hand to ALMOST touch my cheek and stopped. The conversation suddenly turned awkward.

"So uh, did you see the live action version with Idina in it? I already loved Rent but that made it so much better," I babbled trying to pretend neither of us had noticed that hesitation. I tried to pretend it didn't mean anything and it was just a hiccup and we could keep pretending and trying but it was too late. The moment had gone.

And sometimes, you can't stop there, because we're human and we have to keep trying until we destroy the possibility of the moment ever happening again.

"No, you would say that about Farscape but I did think before and I noticed they had some interesting differences when you consider all the factors properly. Oh damn, I'd better go back in now, it's time for us to perform! Wish me luck. Great talking to you.", he tipped his hat and walked back in.

She leaned back against the wall, and suddenly felt like she could breathe again while feeling her heartbeat stabilizing.

There was something there, just maybe. And he felt it, too.

But what if they ruined it?

What if they'd try and they'd mess each other up and eventually hate each other and ruin themselves until one of them decided to be selfish and just got up and left.

How would she know if this was that one person who wasn't going to leave and would instead stay, and ride the storm out, and wait and be there, and deserve the good times because he'd brave the bad times because she was worth it?

Was it not better to just cherish the perfect moment they just had instead of using it as a 'and that's when I started falling for you' story?

Perfect stories make perfect memories. Perfect memories make happy people.

And she needed to be happy, she hadn't been happy in a long, long time.

She shook her head, everyone assumed that because she was impulsive and out of control at times, she couldn't possibly overthink but she always did. The difference in her overthinking everything is that she pretended to disregard the possible consequences if she decided to do something seemingly impulsive and this time, even she had gone too far.

Mapping out an entire imaginary possible future with someone she didn't even know the relationship status of?

Hah.

She walked back inside after throwing out the stub of her tangle of complicated thoughts that may have resulted in a possible timeline divergence in space and time.

Hours later, she went and congratulated him because his set was amazing, "Thank you so much for playing today! You guys were amazing. I couldn't have pulled this off without you all."

Everyone was vying for his attention and he looked at her and laughed with the flush of a good performance in his voice, "Thank me with payment some time if possible! Starving artists are a sad fact of life haha, but seriously, thank you for the opportunity. This was so much fun!"

"Money-well, I'm a starving organizer myself- but I can pay you in hugs!"

Time paused.

WHATDIDIJUSTSAYOMGLIKESERIOUSLYHOWLAMEAMIBEINGRIGHTNOW

Calm down.

Breathe.

I can recover from this.

Unpause.

"If only hugs were all we needed but yes, once I finish wrapping up? I'll want that hug!"

She waited for a bit but his fans overwhelmed that side. She finished up the rest of the work and the place was ready to be closed.

While waiting for the cab, her friend asked her to fetch her wallet from the table inside where she left it so she went back.

It was dark, so she used her iPhone torch and found the purse.

"Hey, I was wondering where you were."

She almost jumped, "Hell's bells, don't do that! I almost thought the ghost of a crazy revolutionary had come to murder me and I would be helpless since I forgot to carry salt."

"Do I look like a crazy ghost?", he was suddenly so close she could count the lashes on his eyes (except that no one in their right mind counts lashes). Why did he have prettier eyes than she did, although she had to admit she was playing a woman who was playing a man playing a woman so beauty was not the most important feature in question at this point.

"Maybe. How would I know? It is kinda dark in here, and you haven't left the building at all today."

"Touch me, I'm corporeal. At least you'll know I'm not, you know, dead.", he rolled his eyes.

Seriously, why is that even slightly attractive? It's such a stupid thing to do.

I put my hand on his chest to push him back and shine the torch on him but after touching him I sort of just...stopped.

"I guess you can materialize in the real world then, huh? Are you using ectoplasm or have you properly manifested?", I looked up at his face and he looked down at me with a weird twinkle in his eyes.

"You'll have to find out. Hug? I recall you saying I deserved one."

"Yeah. Of course, though you're just assuming you've earned it," I was suddenly a little breathless.

He pulled me in closer, he was still sweaty from playing his set and I'd normally be concerned about my outfit but for some reason, all I could do was concentrate on being perfectly normal.

"I guess I've earned it. It's probably been five minutes, should we...stop? I'm not completely sure as to how hugging works. New to this world and all, you know." I could feel his warm breath on my skin as my ears listened to his whisper.

"I think we should, it might be getting a little inappropriate."

He pulled away.

"Hey, before you go?"

"Yeah?" I stopped walking to the door and looked back at him and shined the light near him.

"Can I do a traditional French goodbye, because I'm a French silent movie actor after all, mon belle. And ghosts can get away with anything, right?"

"Taking advantage of a woman who loves jazz, I see. Well, I suppose it's a one time thing. A kiss by any other name is still a kiss though, but a kiss from a ghost is quite extraordinary, I should think. I'm honoured." I narrowed my eyes and smirked at him.

He walked slowly to me for what felt like at eternity in slow motion but was actually maybe two steps or three at most and cupped my waist, pulling me in tight.

He touched my cheek and raised my face while leaning down as I stood on my toes and, well.

We said goodbye in the acceptably French way.

"Au revoir, Monsieur Fantome. Jusqu'a...encore, oui?"

"Madame, your French is atrocious but yes, until next time. I'll be seeing you," he tipped his imaginary hat at me.

I turned around, stifling a smile.

And ran back to my ordinary life and listened to my friend lecturing me about how much money a meter can run if I take so much time.

The next time we'd meet, we'd be pretending none of this had happened. Yet, there was something there.

The question was, would it bloom or would it be nursed in a secret place?

Well, I guess I'd find out eventually.

-x-

Alternate Reality Ramble 028

Intro

One very notable day, a very close friend of mine told me something that made me shift my head away from her and look out the window so she wouldn't see my face. I struggled and raised my hand to dab my eyes and steady my voice while talking back to her. I heard her tell me, "You know, you don't have to be superhuman all the time. Seriously. It's okay."

I struggled not to look back at her until I fixed myself and I smiled and said, "Yeah, I do. You know that. If I succumb to the Kryptonite then I wouldn't be me, would I?"

PS. OVERTLY LONG INTRO SO JUST SKIP IT

She was the person who had really been there for me on the three worst occasions of my life. The first was a life and death coma situation (alive was the result, thank the gods) of a family member I thought I didn't care about but apparently I did and it was during some very important exams, as well. The second was the week when the most important person in my life had died, and I had no one else to turn to because the one person I wanted to turn to would get sad if I got sad and I didn't want to have to deal with that as well as my own grief because I had to get through all the rites, ceremonies, burning of the body, arranging stuff and everything all on my own without any proper support where I could just breakdown in secret except her. The third was when I had a break up that lasted almost a week. She cried when I wouldn't because I needed to be better than that, though it turned out I wasn't. I could feel her arms reaching across the distance and enfolding me to tell me that I'd survive cuz I'm a bitch like that. And I was not alone. And that she knew I'd be fine so she wasn't gonna tell me that, but she voiced the things I didn't want to think about. She was so puzzled. She wondered out loud how someone who seemed to fool all us could have sustained this illusion this long. She wondered all those things that I couldn't let myself wonder. She cried for the heartbreak I didn't go looking for and actively avoided but it had found me, anyway. She cried for me :)
 Honestly, guys, we sometimes go like, months without talking, but she's there for me exactly when I need it and that is something I've never thanked her for because she wouldn't accept the thanks. I wouldn't have made it through my life without her, and another guy friend of mine, because relationships come and go. But the hands that hold you and the ears that surrounds you while you try to pick up the pieces of you that can't fit in your jigsaw of a self are the only ones that matter in the end. The only reason I let myself break down to her so completely during my "break up week" is because that relationship had taught me that it's okay to to that. So, I guess the asshole taught me something after all, besides teaching me exactly how well-sustained a lie can be, of course.

This story was meant to be for her but I just realized that I can't write about her after going through these three incidents while trying to write my intro so I dedicate this to someone who might read my blog someday. She's there for me if I need it, and she knows me better than anyone except my two besties including the one I mentioned. No one I've ever dated has known me the way she has (they thought they had though, idiots) but I need her to do some things. She does terrible things to herself, like fall in love with a guy who's successfully dating someone who is her closest friend at that time and happened to steal the guy from her. She lost the guy and her friend. She falls in love with a guy who's only ever dated one girl in his entire life, and they're in a shitty as hell relationship and he comes crying to her and she tells him it's gonna be okay, he'll survive, and he refuses to leave his girlfriend because he loves her and that's more than enough reason to stay. See what I mean? Like the last example. I can't even freaking hate the guy cuz he's insanely perfect. Imperfect in every other way but in this, he is perfection. Everyone says they'll hang on no matter what but who actually does it? Ugh. I can't even fault her for loving him. Then there's the guy she fell in love with who she couldn't even speak to for a long time. Sigh. I love her, and I don't know how she does it.

So, this one's for her (I borrowed your stalking skills to make this perfect because you know Idk how that works):


Story:

I was watching Psych when I casually opened Facebook. It was a rerun so I wasn't watching it for the story, but I was watching it for everything else, really. Suddenly, I saw a picture that seemed to mean something to me. On clicking it, I realized why I opened the picture. I couldn't stop myself from clicking open the profile it was posted on and going through it with a fine toothed comb.

And on and on and on it went and I realized that the episode had finished.

You were dating her, I guess, or trying the game you had played with me on her. Or flirting with her, an art I tried so hard to teach you.

There you both were, pictures together and happy statuses. Her wall and yours, was filled with each other and nothing else. Scroll down a bit, maybe 3 or 4 days ago...and you'll see my posts on your wall.

It's funny, because that was all that was on your wall and mine for so very long. And now she had replaced me.

You were always so good at that. I can't help but smile because I remember sitting in my bathroom long after you told me you had "a thing" for me and shuddering. I was certain I was a rebound. I was certain that you were the type who just always needed to date someone all the time. You just needed a piece of ass and I was it.

Fast forward to us, and I'm walking back home while on the phone with you and I'm asking you how you'll describe me if we break up. How crazy will you make me seem? Delilah style crazy? Or a whole other level. I wondered if you'd use me to gain sympathy and attract the girls to you, I wondered so many things.

Most of all, I wondered why I was falling in love with you when I knew better but did it anyway.

I struggled all the time, because I knew you'd break my heart eventually. They all do. The moment I stopped struggling- you did exactly that. Goes to show, I guess.

At first, I threw myself a pity party if I was alone and then realized I shouldn't be alone. Then, I realized, you know what? You don't love me *anymore*. And that's okay. If you loved me, then you'd have asked me to stay/not go/come back. But it's over, it's really fucking over.

Jesus, I'm crying.

What kind of a sap does this over a person who used her for everything she had and just fucking left?

I'm an idiot.

He doesn't deserve my tears.

It's funny, because I almost never cried before I met him. And now it's like I'm fucking Niagara Falls.

At least no one can see me, I'm generally alone when it happens.

You-Know-Who-No-Not-Voldemort didn't even do damage control.

They never do. All the Ted Mosebys of the world. They come in, they show you a better world, they wreck it and they run, leaving you to deal with everything on your own.

They never cared, because if they did, they'd be the person on the phone with you later. You'd talk about how difficult this was and you'd both see you're miserable. And you'd both move on like that.

They convince you that you need them in your life so that when they're gone your reality is crushed and they don't care. They'll just re-shape their own reality, because they took away yours.

Ouch.

Phone ringing!

"Hey,"

"Hey yourself," I say.

"I don't know if I should tell you this, but I saw something on Facebook-"

"-oh yeah. That. I saw that," I reply in an even tone.

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because I should have realized something. I don't know- I just feel so shitty. the bastard fooled everyone. Even me. I thought that Che-"

"You-Know-Who," I interrupted, my voice trembling.

"Sorry, yeah, You-Know-Poo, was a bastard. I have no idea why I didn't. And God, I just feel like someone should be sorry about it so I guess I'm apologizing on...the Universe's behalf?"

"I love you."

"Whoa"

"What"

"You never ever say that. To anyone. Are you sure you're you? Are you drunk again?"

"Ugh. I'm me. And sober, for once. And yeah, I know. I never do. Maybe I should say it more. To everyone. Maybe if what I feel for you and the others is love then...then it won't hurt so much." I grabbed a handkerchief and put the phone on mute so I could blow my nose.

"He really did a number on you, huh?"

I laughed, "Guess you could say that. You could, indeed."

"You were both so happy."

"And then we were miserable. And he left. And I had no dignity, no self respect, because he stripped that from me. I literally gave him almost everything and I'm not even some stupid 16 year old teenager seeing a guy for the first time haha. I even tried to get him to stay."

"What?"

"Yeah. Uncharacteristic of me, but railing at him wouldn't have affected him. If he had ever cared for me, at least this would. I hoped it would make him hate me, so it's easier on him, you know?"

"After all this, you still want him happy?"

"It's all I ever wanted. But it hurts. It hurts so much. I want to say I wish I had never met him but I- I'm glad I did. I needed to learn a very important lesson that I had learnt many years ago and I guess it was time to learn again."

"Oh"

"Yeah"

"I love you too"

"Of course you do, silly. I don't think I'll ever believe those words from anyone but you and the rest of the gang, but I know you all do. Thank you for that."

"They all love you. And we know you love us. And I do love you, so so much. And You-Know-Poo probably said that exact line to you once but it doesn't matter because you have to let my voice erase that memory. And even if we fought like that thing that happened two years ago on Christmas, I need you to know I won't stop loving you. No matter what, you always have me. That's not a lie because I wanna get into your pants unlike a certain someone, that's the godforsaken truth."

I let out a deep breath, "That means a lot. Real love, eh? Friends who love each other even when they're fighting. That's the real deal. Love doesn't just go away. I miss so many people I've cut off from my life but if they needed me I'd run to help them. Actually did, twice. Is that real love?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it is."

"Maybe I'll forgive everyone. Maybe only some. I would be a horrible person if I caused them any distress. They should at least know I'm here for them."

"You always are, though."

"No. I'm not. But I'll try. You-know-Who made me be a better person but really, I always was. Everyone else knows it, and I don't know why I struggle against it."

"I know. You're secretly one of the best people I've ever known."

"If I was such a great person, why did...this happen?"

"Because bad things happen to good people."

"Goodbye."

"I'll talk to you later. Don't cry, I know you'll hate yourself for it."

I cried after hanging up.

I looked at the smiling pictures of you and my replacement and the happy statuses and I cried my broken heart into a state of repair. I ached to hear someone's voice, or read someone's text, or know that someone existed but someone...didn't care.

And I had to be okay with it.

It was time to move on.

How hard could it be?

After all, Scarlet O'Hara insisted tomorrow was another day.

Sure, it was hard to wake up and hard to go to sleep.

Sure, my hands itched to text or call you.

Sure, I had let you fool me into believing everything that was a lie.

Sure, I was stupid.

But tomorrow was another day, and I could be Martha Jones. I could get out.

And maybe

Just maybe

I'd survive it.

                                        -x-

Alternate Reality Ramble 027

Intro

Sometimes, you have a dream or a nightmare that is grotesque and unreal but peppered with specks of reality which is the part that makes you question it.

I don't dream much-or at least, I don't remember my dreams much. They're generally super crazy and convoluted so it's not really worth remembering. (Read: Murder plots, death, tragedy, knives/guns, people, mistaken identities, etc) But I once had a recurring dream/nightmare about a person I had once shared my life with and it hadn't been pleasant. I'd wake up, unable to shake it off. And those affected me more than all the things it had felt like the person had done. Maybe they really had used me while pretending to themselves that they hadn't. Maybe the person only thought they liked me. Maybe the person was a f***ing asswipe who always needed to date someone or the other and I was their current obsession and they needed the new toy. Maybe that's all they ever needed, the perfect possession, but I hadn't been the perfect accouterment so it didn't work out. Maybe that's the reason why someone who couldn't not contact me for longer than half an hour managed to drop completely out of my life in an unfathomable way literally in a day. It was easy when the person was in this and when it stopped being easy they left and probably because they found another perfect accessory. Whatever it was, the lesson I take back from it is that my instincts are always right. I had kept saying no for a long time because that's what I thought was going to happen, in the end. And I was right: Lesson learnt. I'm always right. HAH!

And I'm beautiful, and I'm imperfect and I'm not a monster. I'm many things, but I'm truthful about who I am and that's more than I can say for anyone else that I know. But I love you all, anyway, you too, my dear readers. You, most of all.

And I'm not responsible for someone else's entire life because that's the one thing that I can't be responsible for. I can't.

(Of course, this could all be complete shit or, more likely, someone's story that I'm borrowing because that's what I do-but you'll never know :3 )

Well, we shared a life for a year and then it was no more. Literally :D

People are wonderful, aren't they?

Anyway, so this story started off as a result of a dream I had and the effect it had. Or maybe it was a result of something that happened to a certain someone. But ANYWAY. So. I've noticed that's an interesting trend in our lives, the whole dreamscape vs reality thing. But I was interrupted a few times in between so the middle and the conclusion changed completely-as did the intro, sadly enough. Anyway, it's not a great piece of work. It's a little sloppy-but it's something.

[Also, you know who you are. And I know what you did. Believe me when I tell you it's not going to make things better, that message got lost in this story but I'll come up with what this was really supposed to be, eventually. I'm always here for you, but I really wish you wouldn't do this to yourself. You're better than this and you know it. :) I'm not judging because hello, me. But you know why this time was different and I know what you're going through and it's going to get worse this way. Please. Don't.]

Happy reading :D

(And don't be the girl in the story, because that was always supposed to be the point of the story)

Story

She awoke with a gasp, shaking, and clutching the sheets close to her. She wiped away the sweat before the AC air could make it worse and shook her head in order to remove her demons from her mind. Little did she know, or maybe she did know, that it was a pointless attempt. One cannot escape one's own demons when they lie in wait in one's own mind. After all, who could ever escape from themselves? We are but driven completely insane by our own selves, in the end.

She suddenly realized something was off, this morning.

Looking around, she realized that this wasn't her room, and that wasn't her bed and she had never seen this place before and hadn't expected to find herself naked under that unfamiliar sheet, either.

The shower was running, and she opened it to see an unfamiliar-ly familiar man there, as expected. She watched the water drip onto the floor as he stepped towards her, smiling and she had to stop herself from moving back a step. It took all her self control to let him touch her.

"Hey you," he smiled, and his dimple made him seem even prettier that the simple stud he was wearing on his right ear.

She reached for him in an unconscious attempt to mimic her past and finally ended up twirling his wet curls. He shook his hair and she let out a tiny squeal, "No! You're getting me wet!"

He gave her a very sexy come-hither look and his eyes traveled the length of her body which was hidden beneath the sheet she still clutched against herself, very tightly. She might have been more turned on if she hadn't been planning her escape, already.

She pulled him closer and let the sheet drop, while they kissed in the sauna the hot water had turned the bathroom into. She let her hand travel so she could feel all of him while her body could feel how happy he was to be pressed against her at that moment. He was being a perfect gentleman about it, while it was her hormones making her want more, so much more.

Suddenly, she caught a glance of them in the mirror behind him and she pushed herself away.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I...I-I'm sorry. I have to go!"

"Wait," he reached out to her,"Please don't. I made breakfast-you like bacon, right?"

She shivered, remembering the last time someone had asked her about breakfast at their empty apartment and she had declined and sent someone else as a test and was proven right because her suspicions had been correct, "I'm sorry, I can't."

"Can't what?" he asked, perplexed.

She pulled on her dress and slipped into her shoes. She grabbed her pretty purple clutch and walked out the door. He tried to stop her, unlike someone else. He wanted her to stay, maybe she should have? She was going to get a headache now. At least someone wanted her to stay, who cared if it was this beautiful guy and not him?

She hailed a cab and heard him shout from the window, "Will I see you again? Please?"

She looked at him, one foot in the cab, "Sure, Dominic...I'll call you!" She had no intention of doing so. She might have been new to this sort of thing but she knew the rules.

The cab left as he watched it exit his street, and he whispered, "My name's Damon. And you don't have my number." She seemed so extraordinary, he thought, but she was so haunted. She spoke in her sleep of a person who called her his 'twisted rainbow' but had failed to really understand her. She moved like she was afraid someone would see her but she seemed to attract a spotlight wherever she was. She slept like she was afraid to be hurt. She was extraordinary, and he hoped he would meet her again, someday.

She sat in the cab, all alone, and she tried to learn how to breath all over again. Her body felt so used but in a better way than it had the few last time times with the last person who should have been her only person but her heart, it was bruised and fractured and not ready. Not yet.

A flashback.

She shuddered.

He had felt so good, it had been her first time. he hadn't known but she guessed she was finally ready. A thought nagged at her, a thought about someone else she had denied this to. A thought about someone else who had pushed and pushed and made her feel like a...slut, or a whore. But she had given in and denied him only one thing and now she had finally done that with a complete stranger and she didn't remember anything except that she had enjoyed it. She liked him, Dominic, no last name, and he had been wonderful. They had stayed up all night after-just talking about things. Sharing their lives for one night. They had fallen asleep- or had she passed out because she had been too intoxicated to stay awake? She wondered about him- as she would in the future. She thought about who he was and could have been to her.

But she wasn't ready for the emotion.

She wasn't ready for anything anymore. Someone had already ruined her so completely that she almost forgot how to breath, now, sometimes.

Sitting alone, he had his cereal. Didn't bother making the bacon and sausages because it had only been a short while but he already missed her. Not just the scent of her skin or the feeling of her body next to him but other things. He missed the way she spoke to him. He missed how alive she seemed one second and how there would be a flash of something deeper, darker and sadder, the next minute. For some unfathomable reason, he itched to be able to call her and talk to her-this girl had affected him. A random girl who he would probably never meet again.

He wanted to chase the darkness out of her eyes.

He wanted to kiss the pain out of her smiles.

He wanted to make her happy the way he wanted to be happy.

And he would never see her again.

Life went on, and so did they. C'est la vie,

but they never forgot because they felt the emptiness in themselves and the pain of letting go.

They were strangers in the night and strangers forever more but for a while, just a short moment maybe, but a moment that stretched beyond time itself- their souls had touched and become as one. And it was something that could have grown but destiny is hard to recognize in a world such as this that we live in.

We are savage, priding ourselves on our civility in this modern world where we trap ourselves with our chains and try to forget and move on, all the time.

-x-

Alternate Reality Ramble 026

Intro

HEY GUYS!
I've been super down and boring recently in the blog and it's probably because so many people around me are going through a butt load of pain.

Also, the fabulous but dampening weather.

Incessant rain seems romantic and the natural AC feels great but it may or may not muck shit up all the more for you.

GUYS I'M FINE CHILL

I was kinda going through this blog backwards and I think my mood went down a bit because of that. Some things even I didn't realize I was gonna connect to in completely new and different ways are there and I'm not sure how to react considering that I'd have to react to my own writing. :V

Yes yes, it's all very meta.

Shush.

And remember, I've told ya'll I lie, right? And sometimes I don't. But everyone lies, even the Doctor *wink wink*

So, legit intro moment:

To be completely honest, it does have a reference to an actual incident that happened to a certain someone and that made me personally connect it to an old post of mine that references Amazon gifts and mocks them which is a line someone thought I aimed at them but I actually aimed it at some other completely different people and I think it's still an issue for that person but apparently it's not my problem anymore.

I got a whole new problem to deal with if what happened to ******, happened to me, but let's find out how I might respond to it, eh? :P

STORY

Your gifts arrived in the mail today.

Amazon delivered them too late.    

             I opened the boxes, and stared. I didn't want them and I didn't want anyone but you to have them so I didn't know what to do with them. I was planning to take them with me next month when I shifted to your country for you.

A memory.

A thought.  

A rush of emotions threatened to undo me completely, yet again.

A rush of emotions threatened to undo me completely-

I pushed them away

away-

Just as I had inadvertently pushed you away and hadn't realized it until it was all over (for you, at least).

Just like that, I could hear your words in my head again like the ghost of Banquo who would never really leave me because all of Neptune's great oceans couldn't wash the blood from my hands-

"You haven't even been able to tell me you miss me recently."

"All you do is listen but you don't seem to respond to my words anymore."

Your words or your cries for help?

                  I tried to tell you once, about how much I missed you all the time. You seemed flattered but in a way that I knew you didn't really believe it. You never did believe that I could miss you, just like I couldn't help but question your many (much-too-early) declarations of love for me.

I picked at them, mon mignon, because you made me believe. You were making me feel and think that I could care. That I could really, truly and deeply care.

Years of violence

Years of blood

Years of hiding

And you taught me that it was okay to care as I had before, back when I was young and innocent.

I knew you thought you loved me.

                But I also knew you were Tom from 500 Days of Summer. You were looking to fill that concept that you thought I could fill and I tried to do that but I shouldn't have tried.

Because that was wors wrong.

Without me, your world goes on just fine.

Without you, my world fell apart completely.

Because I went back to my old life, and I couldn't pick up the pieces mixed in the debris that you left behind...all I could do is try to clean up the site and disinfect as much as possible. It was okay because no one had ever wanted those pieces before you and now you were gone so I wouldn't be needing them, ever, if I was right- and I usually am, about these sort of things.

I look at a picture of us and smile, we had had good times.

I think I'm okay.

I ignore the ache inside that scratches at all my new defenses- all the walls I reconstructed because I had let you tear down the stronger original ones. Those voices inside my head remind me that they had told me I was being a fool. I don't push them away because I'm too scared to push anymore. I'm pliant and I'm malleable and I'm strong but I'm broken and all the predators will sense it soon so I have to start protecting myself again. The catcher becomes the hunted, in a way.

I ignore the need to retrace our walk to our special place. I resist sitting there every day with a pack of the cigarettes only you and I would have while sitting there and talking of nonsensical things and at times other relevant things as well as we watched the world move around us thinking that it couldn't touch us. I resist thinking of simpler times because I don't just miss those- I miss all of it.

These last few weeks- I couldn't tell you I missed you because saying it made it worse.

I was always a firm believer of the idea that ignoring the bad things would make them go away. Poof. Just like that.

The more I distracted myself with work and people- the more I missed you. I didn't know how to live like this. It was so new- it was so confusing. Still is. It was alien and I didn't even realize I was fighting it.

How could you have known that I was fighting a full scale war inside of me?

            I once told you, I think, that the first thing I did if I thought I could really like someone is the whole fight or flight response thing. I'd fight to make them not like me and I'd flee so they wouldn't get to me.

I know you've forgotten.

Or you never really understood.

Sometimes, I may have hated you, in those moments of clarity when I realized how much of me you didn't really see or only thought you understood, but even now, it's a pale response to the fact that I couldn't handle being in love with you.

I still can't.

And so, I set the pile on fire in a place no one would see.

I watched it burn as much as it was capable of and I breathed in the stench of what the possibility of what we could have been if we hadn't been too weak to see it.

Fuck Amazon.

But I love you too.

-x-

[Because Les Mis is life. KThnxBai.]

Alternate Reality Ramble 025

Intro

I know you're going through a hard time.
And I know you'll be okay.
I just wish you didn't have to be okay.
But I'm here for you, even if you won't talk to me :)

This is to a very special girl who is so alone and dying and basically trying really hard to somehow survive. I'm not afraid because I know she'll survive, I'm just afraid because surviving will probably cost her everything she is.

Please, let me in.
Please, talk to me.
Please, let me try to help you.

The Story

I wake up

Gasp

I breathe

I smile and look at my phone

I shut my phone

I keep it away

because it can't help me anymore

It can't make me smile anymore

because

I remember.

My heart catches

I close my eyes and wonder

How it still exists

How everybody swore I would survive

And I knew I would

But I didn't want to

I wanted to lose myself like I always do

in all the bad things I end up doing

I run

because it's what I do

I never really knew how to stay

But I tried

I could have stayed

We could have been happy, you and I

If you had only tried.

Even now

My heart catches

Because we still could be.

We still could be.

Or is it over?

How do you get to decide?

Why it it fair that you do?

I changed the entire course of my life for you while making sure you didn't do that for me. Did you ever really care? I thought you did, but I didn't know. I kept pushing and pushing to figure it out until you decided to save yourself. Yes, you said you were saving me,

but if you really knew me then you wouldn't have said that.

Because by "saving me" you were killing me.

I never told you how I loved you because I thought my actions would make it clearer. Did my actions say other things? I'm sorry, because all you had to do was tell me.

I am a woman.

I have been through Hell recently, and I was suffering from something I myself didn't completely believe in-PMS.

I should be congratulated, I suppose, for so many women supposedly almost wreck their marriages or relationships during PMS and none of them succeeded as I did.

It's hard, to not text you.

It hurts so much not to hear your voice.

I was busy with work for a few weeks so I could pretend I didn't need it but I did.

I tried to be what you wanted me to be.

You wanted me to expect things from you and I tried to do that.

You wanted forever and I gave you that-I'm still giving you that.

I never wanted this to be anything more than just us. No other complications. Just us.

And I still do.

Hope keeps me alive and it makes me die a cruel death again and again.

How can you be the one to decide?

Why do you get to let this wonderful thing die?

You told me to stop telling you that you could leave at any time, and to stop giving you an out and I said it's so you can leave now rather than later when you leaving would ruin me so completely.

Well.

It's later.

And you didn't leave then, you left now.

And I'm still here, and I'm waiting, and I want you to come and say you'll try again.

Because otherwise,

Because otherwise, we're just fools.

And maybe, maybe you never really loved me like you said you did.

But it doesn't matter

But that doesn't change anything.

You seem to be healing just fine but guess what? I'm still hurting.

And I always will be.

Because you aren't even trying. Just tell me. Just once.

Don't we deserve more than just one try?

How can everyone else keep trying, how can life be so hard but they keep trying, how does everyone get to try

but us?

Alternate Reality Ramble 024

Intro

So a friend of mine was upset today. I asked her what was wrong and she didn't want to tell me. Finally she said, "Aren't you upset?"

"About what," I asked her.

"About that comment. He directed it at you for fun but it means something to me. It didn't day before yesterday, and it didn't the day before that but it does. Now. And I don't understand why I can't laugh and joke about it anymore. Idk I just don't know Idk man, Idk"

Apparently, it was this running joke everyone says to me once in a while that got to her. If anyone told a guy that I have a boyfriend so that he doesn't annoy me by hitting on me, the guy would make some joke on the lines of, "Your boyfriend lives so far away because who could stand being with you?" or "Haha, of course he does. That's the only reason you guys are together :P " etc etc.

Yeah, it's funny. I'd actually agree to that because boys and girls (if anyone's reading), let's face it. No one wants to date me.

Have you met me?

I'm the sorta girl you'd go out with just for the fun of it and then get out and run for your life and I'm pretty sure everyone agrees with that :D But I don't date.

(Pause. I'm sorry this post took so long to write and put up. My right hand and fingers wouldn't stop shaking and twitching and still is. It's the stress, it happens sometimes, I've been real busy-another reason why I've written so little! I'm so sorry for that too, I'll try to be more regular now, I promise :D I have lots of free time haha, my life is pretty non existent :3 And for those who know how bad it gets when this happens, it hasn't stopped yet but it's stopped spasming that much. I'm sorry for worrying ya'll. I haven't been able to text very well so I haven't been replying to messages for a while today. Well, all day. I'll get to it soon or voicenote ya'll or just call me :* But hey, the good thing is that it hasn't happened in a long time so I've been doing well on keeping the stress and work level low until now, eh? :) )

So, I lost track of what I was writing in this intro, I'm so sorry. Lucky the story was already sort of written XD

Anyway, you know who you are. I know you've haven't really been unhappy since the day you met him until now. I understand and I don't judge you or anything, really. And I know you need something right now, and I hope you're not all alone in your room, surrounded by memories you tried not to make and haunted by things you swore you'd never let haunt you. And I'm sorry I was one of the people who encouraged you to do this. I'm sorry, I am just so sorry. If you like this, I'll write more for you because I love you, and I know

(Ugh. It got bad again. Sorry guys, I'm back. I'm giving up on the intro, just enjoy the story! xoxoxoxox)

This one's for the pretty lady who hates herself and doesn't even trust me. I told you that this was probably real and that the universe needed to happen and that if this didn't work nothing else ever would and you listened to me. I blame myself for convincing you to let go just once because as the saying goes...once is enough. Boys will come and go, but I'll be here no matter what. Your morals and rules may be broken and trampled and destroyed, but I'll be here no matter what. You will never be alone because I will be there for you, and I will stay. I will stay no matter what and you know you can trust me...don't you?

Nah.

But I will. I give you my word and all my love no matter how everyone reminds me that I have no heart. I'll make one up just for you :D

The Story

You know that moment that you knew was on it's way and you've avoided it for as long as you could but it's finally caught up and you can just feel it building up inside of you, like something you can't fight against?

Today, my friend Uriah told me about how his girlfriend Naomi was mad at him.

"You know, she's pissed AGAIN. I can't seem to ever do anything right! It's like I'm always fucking wrong and I'm just this useless piece of shit and she's always pissed at me and she deserves better than me and that she's, I dunno, settling for me or something," he ranted frantically, running his hands through his 'hip' hairstyle.

""What did you do this time," I sighed, because they had been together for way too long and he used to be a 'playah' and they've literally always bickering and fighting and annoyed and hating on each other and they're ridiculous, really.

'Uff. I'm doing a night-stay for the mini pre-after party at Andy's and she's mad because I'm going and she can't and that I'm doing it anyway though she doesn't want me to only because she can't."

I nodded at him to continue.

"I swear to the Gods, I still don't know who she is. It's like she's always changing and I just don't understand her. Man, It's been four years. I'm pretty sure I've NEVER understood her and I don't think i ever will, probably. Like, why does she bring up every little thing and make me feel so fucked up as she harps on it and pokes me with her words and knows exactly how to hurt me in the worst ways possible? And she's always so pissed as if everything's my fault and she's the freaking victim. ugh. I don't know, man, I just don't know. I...dunno."

"What don't you know," I glared at him. His girlfriend was adorable, or at least I thought so.

"I don't know. I'm just so-ugh. I don't know what to say, even. Like just-"

"The point is that, no matter what, you stayed," i told him.

"Stayed? Hah. Why would I leave? I love her." he looked at me incomprehensibly, and I swear I've never believed someone and felt so conflicted at the same time ever before. The way he said it-it was perfect. It was him scoffing at me and that thought, like the possibility of leaving had never even entered his mind. It was so innocent, naive, stupid, truthful and simple thing that I have ever heard but it's the only thing I've every believed immediately without even questioning it once. The stupid 19 year old really did mean it and it baffled me.

He didn't even think before he said it.

He was so...I don't even know what.

I think I hated myself for suggesting the possibility of him leaving her ever, in that moment. I doubt everyone and everything but I can't doubt him. No, I can't. I can't believe I'm saying this but I literally cannot doubt him and I can't not watch that moment replay itself in my head again and again, taunting me.

What a novel concept.

'Why would I leave'

'i love her'

Is it really that simple?

Does it all just come down to that? Is everyone just doing it wrong? Is everyone in the world over-complicating and destroying their lives and this is the only person who knows anything?

I'm genuinely frightened.

It's that simple.

It's that uncomplicated for him. No matter what, no matter anything else, he loves her, so leaving is a thought that can't even enter his mind at any time.

Wow.

That boy.

He's so real it's frightening me. And what's worse is that he's right. And I agree with him, god help me but I do. I actually agree with him. I wouldn't leave for any reason but because the other person wanted it. But if the other leaves, then does he not care? Because I think that if there really is a thing such as love, then these two found it. And I want to shelter them from the world to make sure they don't lose it but I'm pretty sure they won't. I always ask her, why him? Why that idiot. I don't think I can ever ask her that again. I don't have a right to do that. Not after this. A life changing moment occurs in the most random of all places, at the weirdest times ever and it's something. I don't know what it is and what I can do with it, but it's something, alright.

My room has never felt so empty before. The AC is up to 26 degrees and I'm shivering. It's normally at 16 degrees and I'm still sweating at that point.

A 19/20 year old made me question myself and everything I ever believed in.

but then

So did you.

When you made me leave you.

AH. THERE IT IS! The moment I was anxiously trying to avoid. It's here, it's so close, I can almost taste it on my tongue. I can taste you in the Marlboro (light) I tried to smoke a while ago and it hurt. I felt a mixture of so many things but in that moment, I knew you would never understand that I could never leave you if I had thought that, even for a second, that you wanted me to stay. You had changed your DP to a picture of yourself two or three weeks ago, and you used to be the one who insisted that I tell everyone about you and got upset when we weren't my DP. I gave you hints but it stayed. And you changed it once when I said something but it came back again.

I guess that was the first hint.

I should have left the moment I knew you didn't want me, the moment I knew you probably never had. Maybe you liked the thrill of the chase, maybe you liked the challenge but it wasn't any of that anymore, was it? Or maybe you did love me. Or...I don't know. How can I believe anything at this point, when everything you promised me turned out to be a lie?

I did things, this past year, I compromised myself. I did things I swore not to do. I gave up most of my morals and I broke all my rules. Rules I've had since puberty, ever since I realized that this is a cold cruel world and I needed to be better than everyone else to survive it. I could have survived it alone all my life but I can't seem to survive it anymore without you. Nor do I want to. For some stupid stupid reason, I did the one thing I have managed to never ever do (shocking, I know) but I did it. What was it, you ask? Well. I finally managed to betray myself completely because I thought it was worth it but when everything turns out to be a lie is when you realize that you betrayed yourself, I suppose. I don't even regret it completely, but you've ruined me for everyone else just like the Gone Girl conundrum. Maybe I'll become the things I always managed not to become because you've left me with nothing else to be. Or maybe I'll become something new. Something worse. If there is anything worse than touching heaven and being rejected from it so completely.

My story is that of everyone else's. I am you and you are me.

We are nothing special because we are everyone, after all.

I gave him 24 hours and then did the deed properly. It's been another 24 hours now and it's over. It's really over. I'm sitting where it all began and I hate this place but I can't run away from it. I'm sitting in all this places and I can't even leave because I live here.

How did you do it? How could you lie to me so completely?

How could you make me do this to myself?

No. You didn't. I did it to me.

The problem is that I managed to survive a whole day without reading words that make me react the way Macbeth did when he tried to say "Amen".

...i think...

I think I would give up everything and nothing to be with you forever.

because you made me happy

you always did and you still do

And I messed up.

because that's what i do

But it's not all me, it's both of us. It took two fucked up people who could have been together forever to ruin this because. Because :)

But I warned you I would and Taylor Swift was wrong (oh shush, we all listen to her secretly), because you didn't

"Stay, stay, stay"

You didn't-

Wait. You know what?

You did. You stayed. you stayed while it was fun. you stayed while I told you all my secrets and you told me yours. You stayed while I told you how to win my heart and rip it into pieces even though you're the reason it ever existed in the first place. You stayed while you were horny and alone and recovering from a failed romance. You stayed while I told you how perfect you were and tried to make you whole again with my soul and my body both. You stayed when I refused to be with you because I wanted to spare you from the horror of myself. You stayed while you tore down the wall I used to keep myself alive because you promised to be the only wall I'd ever need. You stayed while I told you, time and time again, that I didn't want to date anyone so I wouldn't date you because I didn't date in order to save myself from exactly this because even back then I didn't believe that you'd stay.

Everybody lies. That's what the Doctor said. Everybody lies and everybody leaves you. Anything else is a lie...because everybody lies.

I didn't lie. I forgot some things and some things I couldn't make you understand and I hurt you while trying so hard not to hurt you. But not once did I lie.

But you did...didn't you?

I don't know anymore. I don't understand anything.

The moment I stopped giving you an out and decided to tell you what you had been waiting for, "okay, it's too late. You're stuck with me forever now and you can't leave" in a less ridiculous way because this was how you'd say it but what I said is that I'd never leave you because I never wanted to and  still don't, was the moment you decided to leave.

Was I right?

Was the assumption that once I wasn't a challenge anymore you'd leave correct?

Used me up like the rag that I am and threw me back into the garbage dump I belong to. The dirt on me was staining your untouched perfection. I was ruining you like I told you I would.

And even now, after all of this, I'm straining not to check my phone to see that you are calling. Or even tried to call.

But you never did.

No. You never did.

Now you've used me up and destroyed me like you always wanted to.

Now you've gotten the girl that no one could and you've broken her like no one could.

Now you've done everything you came to do?

Well.

Now you can just move on because that's what you do best, don't you? You can look for another right now.

She'll be prettier, and thinner, and much much better.

And you'll be happy for a while, at least, I hope.

You will tell her about how I ruined your life and it's true, I did. All I ever wanted is to make it better. I kept trying to make you see how amazing I thought you were. I kept egging you on to get you to do what you needed to. I invested my entire self into you and now I'm spent. My life's plan has changed completely and I ruined it all for a chance with you.

I didn't lie when I said your existence made me happy. I know you're out there, and I know you're alive. And as long as you exist, I'll be okay. because I know you're there and that's all I need. I just need to learn to live without you now.

Or maybe, I'll just not learn to live without you.

After all, what's a life worth when it's a life like mine?

What's a life worth when it's a life without you?

What's a life worth, ever?

Pills, recreational drugs, drinking myself to death are all good options.

Maybe a nice little hanging?

I hope someone leaves me alone soon, but first I have to clear up all the evidence lying around. Wouldn't want anyone to know that I made you promise to literally kill me if we didn't work out.

I'm glad it came to this because I never wanted to live. I'm a shitty horrible person and I deserve this. To live would mean to be happy in a small amount of happiness because I know you're still alive.

I haven't eaten anything besides two pieces of toast in 48 hours and I can't swallow any food and I'm really dehydrated.

Maybe it's the hunger that will kill me before you get here...at least you won't have to see what you've reduced me to. Not that I would let you see, even if you begged.

This is my last goodbye in case I don't live long enough for the deed-I tried. I really did.

But you just didn't want it and I'll be okay with that soon.

When this is all over.

So...goodbye.

And good luck, I'll see everyone but you in Hell. And I'll deserve all of that forever and I know it.

It was good knowing you, and better now that I won't know anyone.

-x-

Alternate Reality Ramble 023

Intro

Follow it through. It's an interesting type of thing I haven't tried yet before. I suggest skipping this intro before coming back to read it.

I was having a conversation with a very close friend of mine and had a few with various other people and I heard a lot of no holds barred things. Reality and feelings and frustration and whatnot. Everything seems so bleak with a tiny spot of hope that we're all told to strive for, somehow.

This ideal of "Love". The whole being taken for granted, I mean personally, I don't really get it. How could you ever take someone for granted when literally anyone can leave you at anytime, even your own flesh and blood? It's kind of horrible, really, what people subject themselves to and I'm going to stop projecting on this stuff right now, I shouldn't be saying anything anyway until I've been through it and seen how I fare, yeah?

But people? Personally, I don't have any opinion on anything you are reading here except for one simple rule: You deserve better.
Yes. We accept the love we think we deserve. We settle for things we don't even realize we're settling for. And we have to. Sometimes, there's nothing else to be done.
But never accept that you don't deserve to be more.
Remember, that you can always get out of it, remember that there are options, and please remember that there are people all around the world who are confused and others who will give you advice of all sorts but listen to it without copying it. Make your own decisions.

Yeah, let's face it, in the end even I'd succumb to forgetting this rule just like so many of you, yeah? I can think I'm superior until I've been there and done that, I suppose :P

For those who read this before proceeding, you're about to find out a possible version of this sort of thing and yes, you're very confused and may not know what I'm talking about so keep reading until it comes to you. If it doesn't? Push it away until it suddenly makes sense one day.

But I hope it never does, if you're lucky enough to not get all of this, then I really do hope you make it through without ever connecting with anything in this post.

Dear readers, here it goes:

The Story Thing

Let’s talk about something I realized recently was actually a gender thing: being taken for granted.

What does this even mean, really? It’s the husband and wife thing, essentially. It’s the whole, he tries to hard to get her, he tries so hard while being terrified to lose her, and then the final, he feels he can’t lose her and that’s how he loses her.

Yeah. Really, I’ve figured it out: this is the essence of it.

You feel like a nagging wife while you expect him to be who he used to be and be the same as the terrified adolescent teenager who desperately wanted senpei to notice him and then stay with him but it’s not the same anymore is it? Honestly, it’s weird, because this is an odd pattern I’ve noticed that’s oddly universal.

He stops trying.

You start hating that he stopped trying regardless of whether you made fun of him because he did when he didn’t need to or not.

And you try to stop trying to try.

And you start hating yourself and you start hating him and you start hating everything and once it starts it just piles on and on and on. The hate hate hate. The resentment and the pain. The one side of the story and the other side of the coin…it’s all there and it’s not going away.

You want him to know you’ll never leave him. But you are constantly fighting this deep rooted need to flee. It’s like…it’s like the Bastille’s Things We Lost in the Fire.

The annoying thing is, boys and girls are very different to the core, most of the time. When it’s an emergency, she might do almost anything and sacrifice all for him. But he might not even comprehend the emergency, not really, and you’ll resent him for not understanding and then you’ll hate that you resent him because you shouldn’t but you can’t help it and hate hate hate.

“Do you understand the way/ We’ll never be the same again?”

“The future’s in our hands and we will never be the same again.”

“These are things

These are things

The things we lost

The things we lost

In the

Fire Fire Fire”

And how do you not lose it?

Hah! Trick question. This happens. It does.

Quite honestly, there’s no real way out of it.

It’s kinda like the whole possessive thing. Once he’s marked his territory and he’s convinced it’ll stay his, he doesn’t really understand that it’s not that simple. And you try, oh you do try, but it’s not your fault and there’s so many things.

There’s so much pain.

There’s so many things and they’re all inside of you, they’re threatening to burst out any moment and they do they do they do

But maybe it’s he who used to be the one who tried? And maybe he stopped trying? And if he stopped trying, and it’s in your nature to push, and he lets you get away because that’s what you do, because you’re Julia Roberts and you can’t NOT run away, then how does it work?

You’re struggling and you’re struggling

And it’s hard oh it’s hard

And you want to leave

And you want to rage

But you stay.

Stay

Stay.

Even though you wouldn’t have, no you know you shouldn’t.

But what if you leave and he doesn’t try to bring you back and he loses you because of that and you have too much pride and too much pain to go crawling back and you won’t, no, you won’t.

And he’s forgotten that you won’t.

You’re Icarus, you flew too close to the sun, and the sun shined its UV tanning rays of life.

You flew and you let yourself be burned up.

Elena always said she wanted a love that would consume her but she wouldn’t have chosen Stefan first if she hadn’t been so afraid of that very thing.

Don’t we all really want to be consumed?

Or maybe you don’t.

Maybe you’re one of those few who walk the lonely road not taken.

Maybe you were the one who ran away before it consumed you and you’re fighting and you’re fighting

Oh, you’re still fighting

To not be consumed by it.

And you’re losing and you’re losing

What do you do if you’re losing? You stop fighting and you run.

You were always a runner, you smile, you smile.

Running and running and running away.

Carpe Diem. Robin Williams. To His Coy Mistress. YOLO.

You can’t deal with this shit

And you shouldn’t have to no you shouldn’t no no you can’t

You could be stopped

Yes

You could

But who can stop when they stopped trying to try even when they think they haven’t?

Maybe you don’t know what you’re thinking

And you sure as hell don’t know what they’re thinking

And it’s all so confusing and your brain wants to explode and you can’t

No, you can’t

What do you do

Is that not the question?

Are you Hamlet, do you dare disturb the universe

Are you Prufrock, or just an attendant lord

You can run run run

He can’t catch you anymore because he stopped

And that’s the reason you run you run you run

And you’re free

But you’re never felt as imprisoned as this freedom you ran towards

Because the world is weak

So you must be weak

You are a weak weak person to stay stay stay

You are weak, you tell yourself

You are weak, you cry

You are weak if you run

You are weak if you stay

What self respecting individual could stay after all this?

Do you not deserve it all?

Do you not deserve to be courted?

You are weak if you stay

But you stay and you run

You are weak

To run

Or to stay

Is there even a question here

Or a solution?

No.

C’est la vie

Life has no solutions.

There is always a solution to death,

you whisper to your reflection,

your mirror screams at you not to do it

it’s crying at you and it’s sobbing and it’s helpless and doesn’t want this

But you stay strong because you have to

There’s only uncertainty in life

Must there not be a certainty in death?