Intro
HEY GUYS!
I've been super down and boring recently in the blog and it's probably because so many people around me are going through a butt load of pain.
Also, the fabulous but dampening weather.
Incessant rain seems romantic and the natural AC feels great but it may or may not muck shit up all the more for you.
GUYS I'M FINE CHILL
I was kinda going through this blog backwards and I think my mood went down a bit because of that. Some things even I didn't realize I was gonna connect to in completely new and different ways are there and I'm not sure how to react considering that I'd have to react to my own writing. :V
Yes yes, it's all very meta.
Shush.
And remember, I've told ya'll I lie, right? And sometimes I don't. But everyone lies, even the Doctor *wink wink*
So, legit intro moment:
To be completely honest, it does have a reference to an actual incident that happened to a certain someone and that made me personally connect it to an old post of mine that references Amazon gifts and mocks them which is a line someone thought I aimed at them but I actually aimed it at some other completely different people and I think it's still an issue for that person but apparently it's not my problem anymore.
I got a whole new problem to deal with if what happened to ******, happened to me, but let's find out how I might respond to it, eh? :P
STORY
Your gifts arrived in the mail today.
Amazon delivered them too late.
I opened the boxes, and stared. I didn't want them and I didn't want anyone but you to have them so I didn't know what to do with them. I was planning to take them with me next month when I shifted to your country for you.
A memory.
A thought.
A rush of emotions threatened to undo me completely, yet again.
A rush of emotions threatened to undo me completely-
I pushed them away
away-
Just as I had inadvertently pushed you away and hadn't realized it until it was all over (for you, at least).
Just like that, I could hear your words in my head again like the ghost of Banquo who would never really leave me because all of Neptune's great oceans couldn't wash the blood from my hands-
"You haven't even been able to tell me you miss me recently."
"All you do is listen but you don't seem to respond to my words anymore."
Your words or your cries for help?
I tried to tell you once, about how much I missed you all the time. You seemed flattered but in a way that I knew you didn't really believe it. You never did believe that I could miss you, just like I couldn't help but question your many (much-too-early) declarations of love for me.
I picked at them, mon mignon, because you made me believe. You were making me feel and think that I could care. That I could really, truly and deeply care.
Years of violence
Years of blood
Years of hiding
And you taught me that it was okay to care as I had before, back when I was young and innocent.
I knew you thought you loved me.
But I also knew you were Tom from 500 Days of Summer. You were looking to fill that concept that you thought I could fill and I tried to do that but I shouldn't have tried.
Because that was wors wrong.
Without me, your world goes on just fine.
Without you, my world fell apart completely.
Because I went back to my old life, and I couldn't pick up the pieces mixed in the debris that you left behind...all I could do is try to clean up the site and disinfect as much as possible. It was okay because no one had ever wanted those pieces before you and now you were gone so I wouldn't be needing them, ever, if I was right- and I usually am, about these sort of things.
I look at a picture of us and smile, we had had good times.
I think I'm okay.
I ignore the ache inside that scratches at all my new defenses- all the walls I reconstructed because I had let you tear down the stronger original ones. Those voices inside my head remind me that they had told me I was being a fool. I don't push them away because I'm too scared to push anymore. I'm pliant and I'm malleable and I'm strong but I'm broken and all the predators will sense it soon so I have to start protecting myself again. The catcher becomes the hunted, in a way.
I ignore the need to retrace our walk to our special place. I resist sitting there every day with a pack of the cigarettes only you and I would have while sitting there and talking of nonsensical things and at times other relevant things as well as we watched the world move around us thinking that it couldn't touch us. I resist thinking of simpler times because I don't just miss those- I miss all of it.
These last few weeks- I couldn't tell you I missed you because saying it made it worse.
I was always a firm believer of the idea that ignoring the bad things would make them go away. Poof. Just like that.
The more I distracted myself with work and people- the more I missed you. I didn't know how to live like this. It was so new- it was so confusing. Still is. It was alien and I didn't even realize I was fighting it.
How could you have known that I was fighting a full scale war inside of me?
I once told you, I think, that the first thing I did if I thought I could really like someone is the whole fight or flight response thing. I'd fight to make them not like me and I'd flee so they wouldn't get to me.
I know you've forgotten.
Or you never really understood.
Sometimes, I may have hated you, in those moments of clarity when I realized how much of me you didn't really see or only thought you understood, but even now, it's a pale response to the fact that I couldn't handle being in love with you.
I still can't.
And so, I set the pile on fire in a place no one would see.
I watched it burn as much as it was capable of and I breathed in the stench of what the possibility of what we could have been if we hadn't been too weak to see it.
Fuck Amazon.
But I love you too.
-x-
[Because Les Mis is life. KThnxBai.]
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