Intro
One very notable day, a very close friend of mine told me something that made me shift my head away from her and look out the window so she wouldn't see my face. I struggled and raised my hand to dab my eyes and steady my voice while talking back to her. I heard her tell me, "You know, you don't have to be superhuman all the time. Seriously. It's okay."
I struggled not to look back at her until I fixed myself and I smiled and said, "Yeah, I do. You know that. If I succumb to the Kryptonite then I wouldn't be me, would I?"
PS. OVERTLY LONG INTRO SO JUST SKIP IT
She was the person who had really been there for me on the three worst occasions of my life. The first was a life and death coma situation (alive was the result, thank the gods) of a family member I thought I didn't care about but apparently I did and it was during some very important exams, as well. The second was the week when the most important person in my life had died, and I had no one else to turn to because the one person I wanted to turn to would get sad if I got sad and I didn't want to have to deal with that as well as my own grief because I had to get through all the rites, ceremonies, burning of the body, arranging stuff and everything all on my own without any proper support where I could just breakdown in secret except her. The third was when I had a break up that lasted almost a week. She cried when I wouldn't because I needed to be better than that, though it turned out I wasn't. I could feel her arms reaching across the distance and enfolding me to tell me that I'd survive cuz I'm a bitch like that. And I was not alone. And that she knew I'd be fine so she wasn't gonna tell me that, but she voiced the things I didn't want to think about. She was so puzzled. She wondered out loud how someone who seemed to fool all us could have sustained this illusion this long. She wondered all those things that I couldn't let myself wonder. She cried for the heartbreak I didn't go looking for and actively avoided but it had found me, anyway. She cried for me :)
Honestly, guys, we sometimes go like, months without talking, but she's there for me exactly when I need it and that is something I've never thanked her for because she wouldn't accept the thanks. I wouldn't have made it through my life without her, and another guy friend of mine, because relationships come and go. But the hands that hold you and the ears that surrounds you while you try to pick up the pieces of you that can't fit in your jigsaw of a self are the only ones that matter in the end. The only reason I let myself break down to her so completely during my "break up week" is because that relationship had taught me that it's okay to to that. So, I guess the asshole taught me something after all, besides teaching me exactly how well-sustained a lie can be, of course.
This story was meant to be for her but I just realized that I can't write about her after going through these three incidents while trying to write my intro so I dedicate this to someone who might read my blog someday. She's there for me if I need it, and she knows me better than anyone except my two besties including the one I mentioned. No one I've ever dated has known me the way she has (they thought they had though, idiots) but I need her to do some things. She does terrible things to herself, like fall in love with a guy who's successfully dating someone who is her closest friend at that time and happened to steal the guy from her. She lost the guy and her friend. She falls in love with a guy who's only ever dated one girl in his entire life, and they're in a shitty as hell relationship and he comes crying to her and she tells him it's gonna be okay, he'll survive, and he refuses to leave his girlfriend because he loves her and that's more than enough reason to stay. See what I mean? Like the last example. I can't even freaking hate the guy cuz he's insanely perfect. Imperfect in every other way but in this, he is perfection. Everyone says they'll hang on no matter what but who actually does it? Ugh. I can't even fault her for loving him. Then there's the guy she fell in love with who she couldn't even speak to for a long time. Sigh. I love her, and I don't know how she does it.
So, this one's for her (I borrowed your stalking skills to make this perfect because you know Idk how that works):
Story:
I was watching Psych when I casually opened Facebook. It was a rerun so I wasn't watching it for the story, but I was watching it for everything else, really. Suddenly, I saw a picture that seemed to mean something to me. On clicking it, I realized why I opened the picture. I couldn't stop myself from clicking open the profile it was posted on and going through it with a fine toothed comb.
And on and on and on it went and I realized that the episode had finished.
You were dating her, I guess, or trying the game you had played with me on her. Or flirting with her, an art I tried so hard to teach you.
There you both were, pictures together and happy statuses. Her wall and yours, was filled with each other and nothing else. Scroll down a bit, maybe 3 or 4 days ago...and you'll see my posts on your wall.
It's funny, because that was all that was on your wall and mine for so very long. And now she had replaced me.
You were always so good at that. I can't help but smile because I remember sitting in my bathroom long after you told me you had "a thing" for me and shuddering. I was certain I was a rebound. I was certain that you were the type who just always needed to date someone all the time. You just needed a piece of ass and I was it.
Fast forward to us, and I'm walking back home while on the phone with you and I'm asking you how you'll describe me if we break up. How crazy will you make me seem? Delilah style crazy? Or a whole other level. I wondered if you'd use me to gain sympathy and attract the girls to you, I wondered so many things.
Most of all, I wondered why I was falling in love with you when I knew better but did it anyway.
I struggled all the time, because I knew you'd break my heart eventually. They all do. The moment I stopped struggling- you did exactly that. Goes to show, I guess.
At first, I threw myself a pity party if I was alone and then realized I shouldn't be alone. Then, I realized, you know what? You don't love me *anymore*. And that's okay. If you loved me, then you'd have asked me to stay/not go/come back. But it's over, it's really fucking over.
Jesus, I'm crying.
What kind of a sap does this over a person who used her for everything she had and just fucking left?
I'm an idiot.
He doesn't deserve my tears.
It's funny, because I almost never cried before I met him. And now it's like I'm fucking Niagara Falls.
At least no one can see me, I'm generally alone when it happens.
You-Know-Who-No-Not-Voldemort didn't even do damage control.
They never do. All the Ted Mosebys of the world. They come in, they show you a better world, they wreck it and they run, leaving you to deal with everything on your own.
They never cared, because if they did, they'd be the person on the phone with you later. You'd talk about how difficult this was and you'd both see you're miserable. And you'd both move on like that.
They convince you that you need them in your life so that when they're gone your reality is crushed and they don't care. They'll just re-shape their own reality, because they took away yours.
Ouch.
Phone ringing!
"Hey,"
"Hey yourself," I say.
"I don't know if I should tell you this, but I saw something on Facebook-"
"-oh yeah. That. I saw that," I reply in an even tone.
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I should have realized something. I don't know- I just feel so shitty. the bastard fooled everyone. Even me. I thought that Che-"
"You-Know-Who," I interrupted, my voice trembling.
"Sorry, yeah, You-Know-Poo, was a bastard. I have no idea why I didn't. And God, I just feel like someone should be sorry about it so I guess I'm apologizing on...the Universe's behalf?"
"I love you."
"Whoa"
"What"
"You never ever say that. To anyone. Are you sure you're you? Are you drunk again?"
"Ugh. I'm me. And sober, for once. And yeah, I know. I never do. Maybe I should say it more. To everyone. Maybe if what I feel for you and the others is love then...then it won't hurt so much." I grabbed a handkerchief and put the phone on mute so I could blow my nose.
"He really did a number on you, huh?"
I laughed, "Guess you could say that. You could, indeed."
"You were both so happy."
"And then we were miserable. And he left. And I had no dignity, no self respect, because he stripped that from me. I literally gave him almost everything and I'm not even some stupid 16 year old teenager seeing a guy for the first time haha. I even tried to get him to stay."
"What?"
"Yeah. Uncharacteristic of me, but railing at him wouldn't have affected him. If he had ever cared for me, at least this would. I hoped it would make him hate me, so it's easier on him, you know?"
"After all this, you still want him happy?"
"It's all I ever wanted. But it hurts. It hurts so much. I want to say I wish I had never met him but I- I'm glad I did. I needed to learn a very important lesson that I had learnt many years ago and I guess it was time to learn again."
"Oh"
"Yeah"
"I love you too"
"Of course you do, silly. I don't think I'll ever believe those words from anyone but you and the rest of the gang, but I know you all do. Thank you for that."
"They all love you. And we know you love us. And I do love you, so so much. And You-Know-Poo probably said that exact line to you once but it doesn't matter because you have to let my voice erase that memory. And even if we fought like that thing that happened two years ago on Christmas, I need you to know I won't stop loving you. No matter what, you always have me. That's not a lie because I wanna get into your pants unlike a certain someone, that's the godforsaken truth."
I let out a deep breath, "That means a lot. Real love, eh? Friends who love each other even when they're fighting. That's the real deal. Love doesn't just go away. I miss so many people I've cut off from my life but if they needed me I'd run to help them. Actually did, twice. Is that real love?"
"Yeah. Yeah, it is."
"Maybe I'll forgive everyone. Maybe only some. I would be a horrible person if I caused them any distress. They should at least know I'm here for them."
"You always are, though."
"No. I'm not. But I'll try. You-know-Who made me be a better person but really, I always was. Everyone else knows it, and I don't know why I struggle against it."
"I know. You're secretly one of the best people I've ever known."
"If I was such a great person, why did...this happen?"
"Because bad things happen to good people."
"Goodbye."
"I'll talk to you later. Don't cry, I know you'll hate yourself for it."
I cried after hanging up.
I looked at the smiling pictures of you and my replacement and the happy statuses and I cried my broken heart into a state of repair. I ached to hear someone's voice, or read someone's text, or know that someone existed but someone...didn't care.
And I had to be okay with it.
It was time to move on.
How hard could it be?
After all, Scarlet O'Hara insisted tomorrow was another day.
Sure, it was hard to wake up and hard to go to sleep.
Sure, my hands itched to text or call you.
Sure, I had let you fool me into believing everything that was a lie.
Sure, I was stupid.
But tomorrow was another day, and I could be Martha Jones. I could get out.
And maybe
Just maybe
I'd survive it.
-x-
One very notable day, a very close friend of mine told me something that made me shift my head away from her and look out the window so she wouldn't see my face. I struggled and raised my hand to dab my eyes and steady my voice while talking back to her. I heard her tell me, "You know, you don't have to be superhuman all the time. Seriously. It's okay."
I struggled not to look back at her until I fixed myself and I smiled and said, "Yeah, I do. You know that. If I succumb to the Kryptonite then I wouldn't be me, would I?"
PS. OVERTLY LONG INTRO SO JUST SKIP IT
She was the person who had really been there for me on the three worst occasions of my life. The first was a life and death coma situation (alive was the result, thank the gods) of a family member I thought I didn't care about but apparently I did and it was during some very important exams, as well. The second was the week when the most important person in my life had died, and I had no one else to turn to because the one person I wanted to turn to would get sad if I got sad and I didn't want to have to deal with that as well as my own grief because I had to get through all the rites, ceremonies, burning of the body, arranging stuff and everything all on my own without any proper support where I could just breakdown in secret except her. The third was when I had a break up that lasted almost a week. She cried when I wouldn't because I needed to be better than that, though it turned out I wasn't. I could feel her arms reaching across the distance and enfolding me to tell me that I'd survive cuz I'm a bitch like that. And I was not alone. And that she knew I'd be fine so she wasn't gonna tell me that, but she voiced the things I didn't want to think about. She was so puzzled. She wondered out loud how someone who seemed to fool all us could have sustained this illusion this long. She wondered all those things that I couldn't let myself wonder. She cried for the heartbreak I didn't go looking for and actively avoided but it had found me, anyway. She cried for me :)
Honestly, guys, we sometimes go like, months without talking, but she's there for me exactly when I need it and that is something I've never thanked her for because she wouldn't accept the thanks. I wouldn't have made it through my life without her, and another guy friend of mine, because relationships come and go. But the hands that hold you and the ears that surrounds you while you try to pick up the pieces of you that can't fit in your jigsaw of a self are the only ones that matter in the end. The only reason I let myself break down to her so completely during my "break up week" is because that relationship had taught me that it's okay to to that. So, I guess the asshole taught me something after all, besides teaching me exactly how well-sustained a lie can be, of course.
This story was meant to be for her but I just realized that I can't write about her after going through these three incidents while trying to write my intro so I dedicate this to someone who might read my blog someday. She's there for me if I need it, and she knows me better than anyone except my two besties including the one I mentioned. No one I've ever dated has known me the way she has (they thought they had though, idiots) but I need her to do some things. She does terrible things to herself, like fall in love with a guy who's successfully dating someone who is her closest friend at that time and happened to steal the guy from her. She lost the guy and her friend. She falls in love with a guy who's only ever dated one girl in his entire life, and they're in a shitty as hell relationship and he comes crying to her and she tells him it's gonna be okay, he'll survive, and he refuses to leave his girlfriend because he loves her and that's more than enough reason to stay. See what I mean? Like the last example. I can't even freaking hate the guy cuz he's insanely perfect. Imperfect in every other way but in this, he is perfection. Everyone says they'll hang on no matter what but who actually does it? Ugh. I can't even fault her for loving him. Then there's the guy she fell in love with who she couldn't even speak to for a long time. Sigh. I love her, and I don't know how she does it.
So, this one's for her (I borrowed your stalking skills to make this perfect because you know Idk how that works):
Story:
I was watching Psych when I casually opened Facebook. It was a rerun so I wasn't watching it for the story, but I was watching it for everything else, really. Suddenly, I saw a picture that seemed to mean something to me. On clicking it, I realized why I opened the picture. I couldn't stop myself from clicking open the profile it was posted on and going through it with a fine toothed comb.
And on and on and on it went and I realized that the episode had finished.
You were dating her, I guess, or trying the game you had played with me on her. Or flirting with her, an art I tried so hard to teach you.
There you both were, pictures together and happy statuses. Her wall and yours, was filled with each other and nothing else. Scroll down a bit, maybe 3 or 4 days ago...and you'll see my posts on your wall.
It's funny, because that was all that was on your wall and mine for so very long. And now she had replaced me.
You were always so good at that. I can't help but smile because I remember sitting in my bathroom long after you told me you had "a thing" for me and shuddering. I was certain I was a rebound. I was certain that you were the type who just always needed to date someone all the time. You just needed a piece of ass and I was it.
Fast forward to us, and I'm walking back home while on the phone with you and I'm asking you how you'll describe me if we break up. How crazy will you make me seem? Delilah style crazy? Or a whole other level. I wondered if you'd use me to gain sympathy and attract the girls to you, I wondered so many things.
Most of all, I wondered why I was falling in love with you when I knew better but did it anyway.
I struggled all the time, because I knew you'd break my heart eventually. They all do. The moment I stopped struggling- you did exactly that. Goes to show, I guess.
At first, I threw myself a pity party if I was alone and then realized I shouldn't be alone. Then, I realized, you know what? You don't love me *anymore*. And that's okay. If you loved me, then you'd have asked me to stay/not go/come back. But it's over, it's really fucking over.
Jesus, I'm crying.
What kind of a sap does this over a person who used her for everything she had and just fucking left?
I'm an idiot.
He doesn't deserve my tears.
It's funny, because I almost never cried before I met him. And now it's like I'm fucking Niagara Falls.
At least no one can see me, I'm generally alone when it happens.
You-Know-Who-No-Not-Voldemort didn't even do damage control.
They never do. All the Ted Mosebys of the world. They come in, they show you a better world, they wreck it and they run, leaving you to deal with everything on your own.
They never cared, because if they did, they'd be the person on the phone with you later. You'd talk about how difficult this was and you'd both see you're miserable. And you'd both move on like that.
They convince you that you need them in your life so that when they're gone your reality is crushed and they don't care. They'll just re-shape their own reality, because they took away yours.
Ouch.
Phone ringing!
"Hey,"
"Hey yourself," I say.
"I don't know if I should tell you this, but I saw something on Facebook-"
"-oh yeah. That. I saw that," I reply in an even tone.
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I should have realized something. I don't know- I just feel so shitty. the bastard fooled everyone. Even me. I thought that Che-"
"You-Know-Who," I interrupted, my voice trembling.
"Sorry, yeah, You-Know-Poo, was a bastard. I have no idea why I didn't. And God, I just feel like someone should be sorry about it so I guess I'm apologizing on...the Universe's behalf?"
"I love you."
"Whoa"
"What"
"You never ever say that. To anyone. Are you sure you're you? Are you drunk again?"
"Ugh. I'm me. And sober, for once. And yeah, I know. I never do. Maybe I should say it more. To everyone. Maybe if what I feel for you and the others is love then...then it won't hurt so much." I grabbed a handkerchief and put the phone on mute so I could blow my nose.
"He really did a number on you, huh?"
I laughed, "Guess you could say that. You could, indeed."
"You were both so happy."
"And then we were miserable. And he left. And I had no dignity, no self respect, because he stripped that from me. I literally gave him almost everything and I'm not even some stupid 16 year old teenager seeing a guy for the first time haha. I even tried to get him to stay."
"What?"
"Yeah. Uncharacteristic of me, but railing at him wouldn't have affected him. If he had ever cared for me, at least this would. I hoped it would make him hate me, so it's easier on him, you know?"
"After all this, you still want him happy?"
"It's all I ever wanted. But it hurts. It hurts so much. I want to say I wish I had never met him but I- I'm glad I did. I needed to learn a very important lesson that I had learnt many years ago and I guess it was time to learn again."
"Oh"
"Yeah"
"I love you too"
"Of course you do, silly. I don't think I'll ever believe those words from anyone but you and the rest of the gang, but I know you all do. Thank you for that."
"They all love you. And we know you love us. And I do love you, so so much. And You-Know-Poo probably said that exact line to you once but it doesn't matter because you have to let my voice erase that memory. And even if we fought like that thing that happened two years ago on Christmas, I need you to know I won't stop loving you. No matter what, you always have me. That's not a lie because I wanna get into your pants unlike a certain someone, that's the godforsaken truth."
I let out a deep breath, "That means a lot. Real love, eh? Friends who love each other even when they're fighting. That's the real deal. Love doesn't just go away. I miss so many people I've cut off from my life but if they needed me I'd run to help them. Actually did, twice. Is that real love?"
"Yeah. Yeah, it is."
"Maybe I'll forgive everyone. Maybe only some. I would be a horrible person if I caused them any distress. They should at least know I'm here for them."
"You always are, though."
"No. I'm not. But I'll try. You-know-Who made me be a better person but really, I always was. Everyone else knows it, and I don't know why I struggle against it."
"I know. You're secretly one of the best people I've ever known."
"If I was such a great person, why did...this happen?"
"Because bad things happen to good people."
"Goodbye."
"I'll talk to you later. Don't cry, I know you'll hate yourself for it."
I cried after hanging up.
I looked at the smiling pictures of you and my replacement and the happy statuses and I cried my broken heart into a state of repair. I ached to hear someone's voice, or read someone's text, or know that someone existed but someone...didn't care.
And I had to be okay with it.
It was time to move on.
How hard could it be?
After all, Scarlet O'Hara insisted tomorrow was another day.
Sure, it was hard to wake up and hard to go to sleep.
Sure, my hands itched to text or call you.
Sure, I had let you fool me into believing everything that was a lie.
Sure, I was stupid.
But tomorrow was another day, and I could be Martha Jones. I could get out.
And maybe
Just maybe
I'd survive it.
-x-
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