Alternate Reality Ramble 023

Intro

Follow it through. It's an interesting type of thing I haven't tried yet before. I suggest skipping this intro before coming back to read it.

I was having a conversation with a very close friend of mine and had a few with various other people and I heard a lot of no holds barred things. Reality and feelings and frustration and whatnot. Everything seems so bleak with a tiny spot of hope that we're all told to strive for, somehow.

This ideal of "Love". The whole being taken for granted, I mean personally, I don't really get it. How could you ever take someone for granted when literally anyone can leave you at anytime, even your own flesh and blood? It's kind of horrible, really, what people subject themselves to and I'm going to stop projecting on this stuff right now, I shouldn't be saying anything anyway until I've been through it and seen how I fare, yeah?

But people? Personally, I don't have any opinion on anything you are reading here except for one simple rule: You deserve better.
Yes. We accept the love we think we deserve. We settle for things we don't even realize we're settling for. And we have to. Sometimes, there's nothing else to be done.
But never accept that you don't deserve to be more.
Remember, that you can always get out of it, remember that there are options, and please remember that there are people all around the world who are confused and others who will give you advice of all sorts but listen to it without copying it. Make your own decisions.

Yeah, let's face it, in the end even I'd succumb to forgetting this rule just like so many of you, yeah? I can think I'm superior until I've been there and done that, I suppose :P

For those who read this before proceeding, you're about to find out a possible version of this sort of thing and yes, you're very confused and may not know what I'm talking about so keep reading until it comes to you. If it doesn't? Push it away until it suddenly makes sense one day.

But I hope it never does, if you're lucky enough to not get all of this, then I really do hope you make it through without ever connecting with anything in this post.

Dear readers, here it goes:

The Story Thing

Let’s talk about something I realized recently was actually a gender thing: being taken for granted.

What does this even mean, really? It’s the husband and wife thing, essentially. It’s the whole, he tries to hard to get her, he tries so hard while being terrified to lose her, and then the final, he feels he can’t lose her and that’s how he loses her.

Yeah. Really, I’ve figured it out: this is the essence of it.

You feel like a nagging wife while you expect him to be who he used to be and be the same as the terrified adolescent teenager who desperately wanted senpei to notice him and then stay with him but it’s not the same anymore is it? Honestly, it’s weird, because this is an odd pattern I’ve noticed that’s oddly universal.

He stops trying.

You start hating that he stopped trying regardless of whether you made fun of him because he did when he didn’t need to or not.

And you try to stop trying to try.

And you start hating yourself and you start hating him and you start hating everything and once it starts it just piles on and on and on. The hate hate hate. The resentment and the pain. The one side of the story and the other side of the coin…it’s all there and it’s not going away.

You want him to know you’ll never leave him. But you are constantly fighting this deep rooted need to flee. It’s like…it’s like the Bastille’s Things We Lost in the Fire.

The annoying thing is, boys and girls are very different to the core, most of the time. When it’s an emergency, she might do almost anything and sacrifice all for him. But he might not even comprehend the emergency, not really, and you’ll resent him for not understanding and then you’ll hate that you resent him because you shouldn’t but you can’t help it and hate hate hate.

“Do you understand the way/ We’ll never be the same again?”

“The future’s in our hands and we will never be the same again.”

“These are things

These are things

The things we lost

The things we lost

In the

Fire Fire Fire”

And how do you not lose it?

Hah! Trick question. This happens. It does.

Quite honestly, there’s no real way out of it.

It’s kinda like the whole possessive thing. Once he’s marked his territory and he’s convinced it’ll stay his, he doesn’t really understand that it’s not that simple. And you try, oh you do try, but it’s not your fault and there’s so many things.

There’s so much pain.

There’s so many things and they’re all inside of you, they’re threatening to burst out any moment and they do they do they do

But maybe it’s he who used to be the one who tried? And maybe he stopped trying? And if he stopped trying, and it’s in your nature to push, and he lets you get away because that’s what you do, because you’re Julia Roberts and you can’t NOT run away, then how does it work?

You’re struggling and you’re struggling

And it’s hard oh it’s hard

And you want to leave

And you want to rage

But you stay.

Stay

Stay.

Even though you wouldn’t have, no you know you shouldn’t.

But what if you leave and he doesn’t try to bring you back and he loses you because of that and you have too much pride and too much pain to go crawling back and you won’t, no, you won’t.

And he’s forgotten that you won’t.

You’re Icarus, you flew too close to the sun, and the sun shined its UV tanning rays of life.

You flew and you let yourself be burned up.

Elena always said she wanted a love that would consume her but she wouldn’t have chosen Stefan first if she hadn’t been so afraid of that very thing.

Don’t we all really want to be consumed?

Or maybe you don’t.

Maybe you’re one of those few who walk the lonely road not taken.

Maybe you were the one who ran away before it consumed you and you’re fighting and you’re fighting

Oh, you’re still fighting

To not be consumed by it.

And you’re losing and you’re losing

What do you do if you’re losing? You stop fighting and you run.

You were always a runner, you smile, you smile.

Running and running and running away.

Carpe Diem. Robin Williams. To His Coy Mistress. YOLO.

You can’t deal with this shit

And you shouldn’t have to no you shouldn’t no no you can’t

You could be stopped

Yes

You could

But who can stop when they stopped trying to try even when they think they haven’t?

Maybe you don’t know what you’re thinking

And you sure as hell don’t know what they’re thinking

And it’s all so confusing and your brain wants to explode and you can’t

No, you can’t

What do you do

Is that not the question?

Are you Hamlet, do you dare disturb the universe

Are you Prufrock, or just an attendant lord

You can run run run

He can’t catch you anymore because he stopped

And that’s the reason you run you run you run

And you’re free

But you’re never felt as imprisoned as this freedom you ran towards

Because the world is weak

So you must be weak

You are a weak weak person to stay stay stay

You are weak, you tell yourself

You are weak, you cry

You are weak if you run

You are weak if you stay

What self respecting individual could stay after all this?

Do you not deserve it all?

Do you not deserve to be courted?

You are weak if you stay

But you stay and you run

You are weak

To run

Or to stay

Is there even a question here

Or a solution?

No.

C’est la vie

Life has no solutions.

There is always a solution to death,

you whisper to your reflection,

your mirror screams at you not to do it

it’s crying at you and it’s sobbing and it’s helpless and doesn’t want this

But you stay strong because you have to

There’s only uncertainty in life

Must there not be a certainty in death?