Alternate Reality Ramble 024

Intro

So a friend of mine was upset today. I asked her what was wrong and she didn't want to tell me. Finally she said, "Aren't you upset?"

"About what," I asked her.

"About that comment. He directed it at you for fun but it means something to me. It didn't day before yesterday, and it didn't the day before that but it does. Now. And I don't understand why I can't laugh and joke about it anymore. Idk I just don't know Idk man, Idk"

Apparently, it was this running joke everyone says to me once in a while that got to her. If anyone told a guy that I have a boyfriend so that he doesn't annoy me by hitting on me, the guy would make some joke on the lines of, "Your boyfriend lives so far away because who could stand being with you?" or "Haha, of course he does. That's the only reason you guys are together :P " etc etc.

Yeah, it's funny. I'd actually agree to that because boys and girls (if anyone's reading), let's face it. No one wants to date me.

Have you met me?

I'm the sorta girl you'd go out with just for the fun of it and then get out and run for your life and I'm pretty sure everyone agrees with that :D But I don't date.

(Pause. I'm sorry this post took so long to write and put up. My right hand and fingers wouldn't stop shaking and twitching and still is. It's the stress, it happens sometimes, I've been real busy-another reason why I've written so little! I'm so sorry for that too, I'll try to be more regular now, I promise :D I have lots of free time haha, my life is pretty non existent :3 And for those who know how bad it gets when this happens, it hasn't stopped yet but it's stopped spasming that much. I'm sorry for worrying ya'll. I haven't been able to text very well so I haven't been replying to messages for a while today. Well, all day. I'll get to it soon or voicenote ya'll or just call me :* But hey, the good thing is that it hasn't happened in a long time so I've been doing well on keeping the stress and work level low until now, eh? :) )

So, I lost track of what I was writing in this intro, I'm so sorry. Lucky the story was already sort of written XD

Anyway, you know who you are. I know you've haven't really been unhappy since the day you met him until now. I understand and I don't judge you or anything, really. And I know you need something right now, and I hope you're not all alone in your room, surrounded by memories you tried not to make and haunted by things you swore you'd never let haunt you. And I'm sorry I was one of the people who encouraged you to do this. I'm sorry, I am just so sorry. If you like this, I'll write more for you because I love you, and I know

(Ugh. It got bad again. Sorry guys, I'm back. I'm giving up on the intro, just enjoy the story! xoxoxoxox)

This one's for the pretty lady who hates herself and doesn't even trust me. I told you that this was probably real and that the universe needed to happen and that if this didn't work nothing else ever would and you listened to me. I blame myself for convincing you to let go just once because as the saying goes...once is enough. Boys will come and go, but I'll be here no matter what. Your morals and rules may be broken and trampled and destroyed, but I'll be here no matter what. You will never be alone because I will be there for you, and I will stay. I will stay no matter what and you know you can trust me...don't you?

Nah.

But I will. I give you my word and all my love no matter how everyone reminds me that I have no heart. I'll make one up just for you :D

The Story

You know that moment that you knew was on it's way and you've avoided it for as long as you could but it's finally caught up and you can just feel it building up inside of you, like something you can't fight against?

Today, my friend Uriah told me about how his girlfriend Naomi was mad at him.

"You know, she's pissed AGAIN. I can't seem to ever do anything right! It's like I'm always fucking wrong and I'm just this useless piece of shit and she's always pissed at me and she deserves better than me and that she's, I dunno, settling for me or something," he ranted frantically, running his hands through his 'hip' hairstyle.

""What did you do this time," I sighed, because they had been together for way too long and he used to be a 'playah' and they've literally always bickering and fighting and annoyed and hating on each other and they're ridiculous, really.

'Uff. I'm doing a night-stay for the mini pre-after party at Andy's and she's mad because I'm going and she can't and that I'm doing it anyway though she doesn't want me to only because she can't."

I nodded at him to continue.

"I swear to the Gods, I still don't know who she is. It's like she's always changing and I just don't understand her. Man, It's been four years. I'm pretty sure I've NEVER understood her and I don't think i ever will, probably. Like, why does she bring up every little thing and make me feel so fucked up as she harps on it and pokes me with her words and knows exactly how to hurt me in the worst ways possible? And she's always so pissed as if everything's my fault and she's the freaking victim. ugh. I don't know, man, I just don't know. I...dunno."

"What don't you know," I glared at him. His girlfriend was adorable, or at least I thought so.

"I don't know. I'm just so-ugh. I don't know what to say, even. Like just-"

"The point is that, no matter what, you stayed," i told him.

"Stayed? Hah. Why would I leave? I love her." he looked at me incomprehensibly, and I swear I've never believed someone and felt so conflicted at the same time ever before. The way he said it-it was perfect. It was him scoffing at me and that thought, like the possibility of leaving had never even entered his mind. It was so innocent, naive, stupid, truthful and simple thing that I have ever heard but it's the only thing I've every believed immediately without even questioning it once. The stupid 19 year old really did mean it and it baffled me.

He didn't even think before he said it.

He was so...I don't even know what.

I think I hated myself for suggesting the possibility of him leaving her ever, in that moment. I doubt everyone and everything but I can't doubt him. No, I can't. I can't believe I'm saying this but I literally cannot doubt him and I can't not watch that moment replay itself in my head again and again, taunting me.

What a novel concept.

'Why would I leave'

'i love her'

Is it really that simple?

Does it all just come down to that? Is everyone just doing it wrong? Is everyone in the world over-complicating and destroying their lives and this is the only person who knows anything?

I'm genuinely frightened.

It's that simple.

It's that uncomplicated for him. No matter what, no matter anything else, he loves her, so leaving is a thought that can't even enter his mind at any time.

Wow.

That boy.

He's so real it's frightening me. And what's worse is that he's right. And I agree with him, god help me but I do. I actually agree with him. I wouldn't leave for any reason but because the other person wanted it. But if the other leaves, then does he not care? Because I think that if there really is a thing such as love, then these two found it. And I want to shelter them from the world to make sure they don't lose it but I'm pretty sure they won't. I always ask her, why him? Why that idiot. I don't think I can ever ask her that again. I don't have a right to do that. Not after this. A life changing moment occurs in the most random of all places, at the weirdest times ever and it's something. I don't know what it is and what I can do with it, but it's something, alright.

My room has never felt so empty before. The AC is up to 26 degrees and I'm shivering. It's normally at 16 degrees and I'm still sweating at that point.

A 19/20 year old made me question myself and everything I ever believed in.

but then

So did you.

When you made me leave you.

AH. THERE IT IS! The moment I was anxiously trying to avoid. It's here, it's so close, I can almost taste it on my tongue. I can taste you in the Marlboro (light) I tried to smoke a while ago and it hurt. I felt a mixture of so many things but in that moment, I knew you would never understand that I could never leave you if I had thought that, even for a second, that you wanted me to stay. You had changed your DP to a picture of yourself two or three weeks ago, and you used to be the one who insisted that I tell everyone about you and got upset when we weren't my DP. I gave you hints but it stayed. And you changed it once when I said something but it came back again.

I guess that was the first hint.

I should have left the moment I knew you didn't want me, the moment I knew you probably never had. Maybe you liked the thrill of the chase, maybe you liked the challenge but it wasn't any of that anymore, was it? Or maybe you did love me. Or...I don't know. How can I believe anything at this point, when everything you promised me turned out to be a lie?

I did things, this past year, I compromised myself. I did things I swore not to do. I gave up most of my morals and I broke all my rules. Rules I've had since puberty, ever since I realized that this is a cold cruel world and I needed to be better than everyone else to survive it. I could have survived it alone all my life but I can't seem to survive it anymore without you. Nor do I want to. For some stupid stupid reason, I did the one thing I have managed to never ever do (shocking, I know) but I did it. What was it, you ask? Well. I finally managed to betray myself completely because I thought it was worth it but when everything turns out to be a lie is when you realize that you betrayed yourself, I suppose. I don't even regret it completely, but you've ruined me for everyone else just like the Gone Girl conundrum. Maybe I'll become the things I always managed not to become because you've left me with nothing else to be. Or maybe I'll become something new. Something worse. If there is anything worse than touching heaven and being rejected from it so completely.

My story is that of everyone else's. I am you and you are me.

We are nothing special because we are everyone, after all.

I gave him 24 hours and then did the deed properly. It's been another 24 hours now and it's over. It's really over. I'm sitting where it all began and I hate this place but I can't run away from it. I'm sitting in all this places and I can't even leave because I live here.

How did you do it? How could you lie to me so completely?

How could you make me do this to myself?

No. You didn't. I did it to me.

The problem is that I managed to survive a whole day without reading words that make me react the way Macbeth did when he tried to say "Amen".

...i think...

I think I would give up everything and nothing to be with you forever.

because you made me happy

you always did and you still do

And I messed up.

because that's what i do

But it's not all me, it's both of us. It took two fucked up people who could have been together forever to ruin this because. Because :)

But I warned you I would and Taylor Swift was wrong (oh shush, we all listen to her secretly), because you didn't

"Stay, stay, stay"

You didn't-

Wait. You know what?

You did. You stayed. you stayed while it was fun. you stayed while I told you all my secrets and you told me yours. You stayed while I told you how to win my heart and rip it into pieces even though you're the reason it ever existed in the first place. You stayed while you were horny and alone and recovering from a failed romance. You stayed while I told you how perfect you were and tried to make you whole again with my soul and my body both. You stayed when I refused to be with you because I wanted to spare you from the horror of myself. You stayed while you tore down the wall I used to keep myself alive because you promised to be the only wall I'd ever need. You stayed while I told you, time and time again, that I didn't want to date anyone so I wouldn't date you because I didn't date in order to save myself from exactly this because even back then I didn't believe that you'd stay.

Everybody lies. That's what the Doctor said. Everybody lies and everybody leaves you. Anything else is a lie...because everybody lies.

I didn't lie. I forgot some things and some things I couldn't make you understand and I hurt you while trying so hard not to hurt you. But not once did I lie.

But you did...didn't you?

I don't know anymore. I don't understand anything.

The moment I stopped giving you an out and decided to tell you what you had been waiting for, "okay, it's too late. You're stuck with me forever now and you can't leave" in a less ridiculous way because this was how you'd say it but what I said is that I'd never leave you because I never wanted to and  still don't, was the moment you decided to leave.

Was I right?

Was the assumption that once I wasn't a challenge anymore you'd leave correct?

Used me up like the rag that I am and threw me back into the garbage dump I belong to. The dirt on me was staining your untouched perfection. I was ruining you like I told you I would.

And even now, after all of this, I'm straining not to check my phone to see that you are calling. Or even tried to call.

But you never did.

No. You never did.

Now you've used me up and destroyed me like you always wanted to.

Now you've gotten the girl that no one could and you've broken her like no one could.

Now you've done everything you came to do?

Well.

Now you can just move on because that's what you do best, don't you? You can look for another right now.

She'll be prettier, and thinner, and much much better.

And you'll be happy for a while, at least, I hope.

You will tell her about how I ruined your life and it's true, I did. All I ever wanted is to make it better. I kept trying to make you see how amazing I thought you were. I kept egging you on to get you to do what you needed to. I invested my entire self into you and now I'm spent. My life's plan has changed completely and I ruined it all for a chance with you.

I didn't lie when I said your existence made me happy. I know you're out there, and I know you're alive. And as long as you exist, I'll be okay. because I know you're there and that's all I need. I just need to learn to live without you now.

Or maybe, I'll just not learn to live without you.

After all, what's a life worth when it's a life like mine?

What's a life worth when it's a life without you?

What's a life worth, ever?

Pills, recreational drugs, drinking myself to death are all good options.

Maybe a nice little hanging?

I hope someone leaves me alone soon, but first I have to clear up all the evidence lying around. Wouldn't want anyone to know that I made you promise to literally kill me if we didn't work out.

I'm glad it came to this because I never wanted to live. I'm a shitty horrible person and I deserve this. To live would mean to be happy in a small amount of happiness because I know you're still alive.

I haven't eaten anything besides two pieces of toast in 48 hours and I can't swallow any food and I'm really dehydrated.

Maybe it's the hunger that will kill me before you get here...at least you won't have to see what you've reduced me to. Not that I would let you see, even if you begged.

This is my last goodbye in case I don't live long enough for the deed-I tried. I really did.

But you just didn't want it and I'll be okay with that soon.

When this is all over.

So...goodbye.

And good luck, I'll see everyone but you in Hell. And I'll deserve all of that forever and I know it.

It was good knowing you, and better now that I won't know anyone.

-x-