Alternate Reality Ramble 025

Intro

I know you're going through a hard time.
And I know you'll be okay.
I just wish you didn't have to be okay.
But I'm here for you, even if you won't talk to me :)

This is to a very special girl who is so alone and dying and basically trying really hard to somehow survive. I'm not afraid because I know she'll survive, I'm just afraid because surviving will probably cost her everything she is.

Please, let me in.
Please, talk to me.
Please, let me try to help you.

The Story

I wake up

Gasp

I breathe

I smile and look at my phone

I shut my phone

I keep it away

because it can't help me anymore

It can't make me smile anymore

because

I remember.

My heart catches

I close my eyes and wonder

How it still exists

How everybody swore I would survive

And I knew I would

But I didn't want to

I wanted to lose myself like I always do

in all the bad things I end up doing

I run

because it's what I do

I never really knew how to stay

But I tried

I could have stayed

We could have been happy, you and I

If you had only tried.

Even now

My heart catches

Because we still could be.

We still could be.

Or is it over?

How do you get to decide?

Why it it fair that you do?

I changed the entire course of my life for you while making sure you didn't do that for me. Did you ever really care? I thought you did, but I didn't know. I kept pushing and pushing to figure it out until you decided to save yourself. Yes, you said you were saving me,

but if you really knew me then you wouldn't have said that.

Because by "saving me" you were killing me.

I never told you how I loved you because I thought my actions would make it clearer. Did my actions say other things? I'm sorry, because all you had to do was tell me.

I am a woman.

I have been through Hell recently, and I was suffering from something I myself didn't completely believe in-PMS.

I should be congratulated, I suppose, for so many women supposedly almost wreck their marriages or relationships during PMS and none of them succeeded as I did.

It's hard, to not text you.

It hurts so much not to hear your voice.

I was busy with work for a few weeks so I could pretend I didn't need it but I did.

I tried to be what you wanted me to be.

You wanted me to expect things from you and I tried to do that.

You wanted forever and I gave you that-I'm still giving you that.

I never wanted this to be anything more than just us. No other complications. Just us.

And I still do.

Hope keeps me alive and it makes me die a cruel death again and again.

How can you be the one to decide?

Why do you get to let this wonderful thing die?

You told me to stop telling you that you could leave at any time, and to stop giving you an out and I said it's so you can leave now rather than later when you leaving would ruin me so completely.

Well.

It's later.

And you didn't leave then, you left now.

And I'm still here, and I'm waiting, and I want you to come and say you'll try again.

Because otherwise,

Because otherwise, we're just fools.

And maybe, maybe you never really loved me like you said you did.

But it doesn't matter

But that doesn't change anything.

You seem to be healing just fine but guess what? I'm still hurting.

And I always will be.

Because you aren't even trying. Just tell me. Just once.

Don't we deserve more than just one try?

How can everyone else keep trying, how can life be so hard but they keep trying, how does everyone get to try

but us?