Intro
I've been doing a Gilmore Girls rewatch marathon because I wanted to see the revival with context and it's been a while, so I'm going through Rory's break up with Dean and subsequent getting together with Jess and it suddenly occurred to me that I've never addressed this sort of thing. Getting over people you don't get over, what happens in the process of a break up that should never (maybe) have happened? The time heals all thing is garbage for that kind of relationship, the one that never ends for one person involved, if not both. So how does it work exactly? You still love them, they're still your Christopher and he decides to have a baby with Miss Perfect and marry her and you're still Lorelei with his first kid, secretly wishing and waiting for the moment you get Chris back because you deserve this, you've always deserved this and somehow, somewhere, something deep down inside told you it would happen eventually.
But you didn't have his kid so he doesn't talk to you, Chris isn't in your life at all. You hear some things, maybe you see an update of some kind, and it hurts that he can't Dean up to you and initiate a coffee and be friends like he promised you would be if you ever broke up. Losing Chris the boyfriend is bad, but Chris the best friend? Heartbreaking.
It's funny but I think there's always this moment for everyone where you think you're over him/her and this "moment" happens a LOT. But each of these "moments" do kinda teach you something, you lose a little something and you gain a little something. It's not really getting over a Dean, but it's kinda like begrudgingly moving on like you desperately prayed you would.
ANYYYYWAY, I could go on, but here's the story.
Story
I can't remember your voice
Is it weird?
Today is the first day I woke up and didn't reach for my phone, like my sleepy body FINALLY accepted that you don't text me good morning messages anymore.
I woke up and something about my dream made me remember a few intimate moments in my life and I thought of the last person, and the person before that and then I made myself think about you and that's when it hit me.
I can't remember your voice.
The week it was over, you wouldn't pick up the call. Or FaceTime. I never did get that closure, but if I had heard you or seen you, I know I never would've gone through with it.
You were the Max Medina to my Lorelei Gilmore in most ways.
I can't remember your voice.
It's so scary
I can visualise your eyes, they were always my favourite thing about you. You hated that, because everyone made fun of that apparently but I could never understand why. It's funny, that out of everything, it's still your eyes that I remember. And the feeling of your hair (before your haircuts which ruined it even though I always refused to tell you if I wanted it cut or not). Going to sleep next to you, holding you and waking up to you is the most painful memory I have. Because it's one of my only happy space feelings.
I can't
remember
your voice.
I'm in the new country I told you I was moving to eventually.
You said you'd go to the other, I said we'd do both and you said we could pick one in between.
I couldn't make myself go for years because of what we lost. You went, though, after we were over.
I finally did it, baby.
I'm here.
And you're not right here with me.
I love you.
I'm sorry I never said it back
I'm sorry I can't here your voice telling me that anymore, it's driving me crazy
I need you
I want you
Gods, but I love you
Maybe this is what moving on is about
Maybe I'm F I N A L L Y moving on
Or is this not moving on, but something much worse
Are you being Eternal Sunshine-d out of me but we are in different cities AND countries so it'll never work out like the movie?
I really did think we needed to be apart for our lives to fall back into place. Yours seems to have, and mine took longer...so much longer, because the aftermath almost killed me. But mine is getting back on track now.
I never meant for it to be impossible for us to be together after it all worked out.
I read too many stories when I was a kid, you know?
I watched too many shows, too many movies and sang too much broadway.
You knew that, about me. You're the only one who really tried to absorb that part of me and I loved you for it.
You're my impossible standards, everyone after you can blame you for us not working out. I hold them up to your standards, and I can't possibly stay when they fall so low. Not when the only person I've ever loved set the bar so high up.
I hate you
I hate that I can't hate you
I hate that I'm 10 Things About You-ing this but you aren't Heath Ledger, you didn't even try when I sent you that one crazy text on a lonely holiday a year later when I was miserable and I missed you
You didn't even try, the year after, when I sent you a we're-adults-and-can-be-civilised type "happy birthday" message.
You certainly didn't try to wish me.
I hate you
I hate you so much
I hate that you're still making me cry
You hated that I never cried, you wanted me without walls, you wanted the emotions and all that came with it but when it started, you let it win. I showed it all because you promised you could handle it but you let it win, didn't you? You said you didn't want to fight for me anymore, even though I warned you before I accepted you the first time that it was going to be like this and told you you didn't wanna be with someone like me.
I cry all the time now, babe.
The thought of you has me randomly welling up literally anywhere and everywhere.
I don't know how you would feel with this information.
Makes me happy if it makes you happy.
Please be happy, otherwise, whats the point?
I've tried so hard, to fall in love.
I can't because you won't get out of my heart.
I can't rememberyourvoice
W h y
c a n ' t
I
r e m e m b e r
Y O U R
F U C K I N G
V O I C E
IcantrememberhowyousoundhowyoutastehowyoulookIcantrememberIcantrememberIcantrememberIcantrememberhuiwfhfkwguvfgvmbffhwjdjhvfwdihajwfmahw
Okay
I just woke up.
It doesn't matter.
I don't care.
I'm gong to take a shower and try to wash you out of my existence just like all the other times.
It's impossible, but one shower can't hurt, can it?
Goodbye, and I still can't remember your voice and it's scary but I think I really am ready now.