Alternate Reality Ramble 020

Intro

My friend threw a fit when she heard she got accepted into a college very far away from her live-in  boyfriend of a year. She was happy she got in but she knew she wouldn't last long distance. She cried her sadness, frustration and pain out to me as I listened for hours feeling like a traitor because all I wanted to do is whisper to her that long distance is stupid. It never works. It's just a lot of pain in a prison made by yourself.

So, anyway. This is an alternate reality version of what it could be like to be away from the person you need the most or something...IDK. Just drafted it out randomly while procrastinating on work that I have a deadline on x.x

Here it goes:

Ghosts of Sleep Past

It was funny how I couldn't sleep because of the ghost of our past. I felt the glorious need to feel your legs entwined with mine as I fretfully moved around in my sleep or rather, well, to be fair, I wasn't sleeping yet. But you were.

I felt your thumb brush the bottom of my breast as you pulled me in closely, half awake, mostly unconscious, in your dreamworld. As if even in your sleep, you wanted me to be as close to you as possible.

I basked in the warmth of your embrace. The fact that you could feel the need to be so close to me even in your deepest sleep...meant something. I didn't know WHAT it meant, but I knew it was important in some way or the other.

In the night, a time when I needed to go to sleep so so badly, the one thing I couldn't shake was the phantom of you and me together. Once again.  It was the memory of you and the feeling of how it was to go to sleep right next to you.

I had never gone to sleep next to another person, nay, a lover, if you please, before you.

Je reve de toi...as always.

We had spent maybe 3 to 4 nights together. They had seemed much too long then but it felt as if they were barely worth a handful of moments now. The memory may have felt fleeting but it was grounded in my mind and my body. I somehow craved that special type of vulnerable intimacy with someone-that someone being you, of course. Now that I'd felt you, been with you, listened to you and had you invade all my thoughts...how could I settle for anything lesser?

I miss you.

Three simple words filled with longing and all sorts of intense emotions that I couldn't actually feel but I knew that the night awoke them in me.It was the witching hour and it was playing with my thoughts, my mind and my body.
I missed you.

I missed everything about you.

I miss how you had that weird little smile, how pretty I found your fingers, how much fun it was to play with your hair, how your face always captivated me...more than any Dali painting ever had, really. I missed waking up in the morning next to you. Seeing you with your eyes almost shut as your hair fell across your forehead...well, I've never wanted kiss someone so much as that moment right in the morning.

Waking up next to you always made me think that the whole day was going to be wonderful just because it started with me and you, and you always made everything better by just...being.  It was nice, it was fun and it was so comfortable. It felt like a routine although it's something I've never shared with anyone before. It wasn't sexual...it was just this blissful feel of belonging. And it made me happy in a way that I hadn't even realized till now.

Now, far far away from you, that time, that moment, and everything to do with all of that.

It had felt like something we should be doing every day for our entire lives but it wasn't and that left this feeling of having a gaping whole in my aura where you fit in, perfectly. You and I had felt like a never ending cycle of something important. Something metaphysical and mystical...not that I believed in such New Age bullshit.

How could something that felt never ending and repetitive feel so enjoyable even though it was neither of those things? 3 AM at night, and it still baffled me. Sometimes, I felt as though it always would except things always made more sense when the sun went down and not up.

I couldn't stop feeling
I couldn't stop seeing
I couldn't stop being...

...in those moments. Those so very few and brief moments.

All I did now was too and turn, searching for a warm body that wasn't there in my empty bed.

But you weren't there.

It hurt, but did it hurt because we were closer than ever before or did it hurt because you weren't there...at all?

I was alone.

I had always enjoyed being alone so this odd...need. This feeling, this ache that was so foreign repulsed me. It was a ridiculously alien thing festering inside of me and I needed it to be gone but it was there, always there-pushing my sleep away for yet another hour of remembrance.

I laughed and smiled in a bittersweet way that I can, inside my head.

I could hear all these insane things I was thinking and I couldn't even stop myself.

It was terrifying.

I pushed them away and I hugged my teddy bear close to me, turned around and squeezed my eyes shut as if that would block out everything that was preventing me from sleeping tonight...and every night.

I didn't need you, I reminded myself. I was strong, independent and happy the way I was.

So why did I feel so lost and unfulfilled?

I guess tonight, again,

Je reve de toi, mon perdue?