Intro
A friend of mine confided in me about a crush she started having a while ago. She asked me (since she's young and totally inexperienced in these things and presumably thinks I'm older and therefore wiser because I generally look like I can adult just fine) about crushes, infatuation and lust.
She had never had these feelings before and was going crazy about this one guy. She went on and on about him (do I add him on Facebook, is that being too desperate? For the record, it's not. If you've met someone then it's totally okay to add them on social media) and stalked him on Facebook (friendly word 'stalked' nowadays, Norman Bates flashbacks anyone?) and went mad over him.
So I went back (in my mind and possibly in my Flatline version TARDIS) and thought about it.
Have I had crushes/infatuations or (dare I say it) fallen in love during the limited amount of time I've existed? Have I felt an unbearable amount of lust, bordering on a safer version of what Porphyria's lover had felt or what he had thought was love?
I've dated plenty, I've had the usual crushes on celebrities and whatnot but I've never quite felt what she seems to be feeling.
Oh sure, I listen to all the songs and pretend my heart aches, I read all the literature (or lack of) and think I know what they're going through, I watch all the movies and television shows and have OTPs and so on. Have I really felt that way, though?
The answer, sadly, was no. Unless I'm in denial and if I was then I wouldn't know, would I?
ANYWAY, so I thought about friend zoning and love and all those things and did what I do best:
Imagined one of my situations that way and put a different spin on it.
Here it goes:
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The Story
Infatuations lasted longer than crushes. A crush seemed to be in the danger of fizzling out almost as soon as it would appear.
She, however, fell in love with the way they matched so perfectly. The way they could speak together about almost anything made her feel something rare. It made her feel HAPPY. She wondered, secretly, of course, if it had only lasted because he had had only her in his lonely life for this short period of time but she put that out of her mind to be dealt with later (or most probably, never).
The crush fizzled when she pushed a friend of hers at him and he turned out to have flaws that she would never even have noticed; either because she didn't care or because she had the same flaws. It was endearing, in a way, but also difficult. How was she to sustain an interest if everyone around her was always so negative about it all? The crush crashed and failed. The bridges were burnt by her anyway, so that was a good thing, all things considered.
She wasn't ready to date.
To bare her soul.
To find her buried heart.
To be emotionally or physically intimate.
She had never been ready and wasn't about to start right now.
No.
It was just as well, she told herself repeatedly, in secret in the tiny secret corner of her mind that still cared-or was still allowed to care.
It was just as well, she said to herself fervently, as she stopped watching her favourite romantic comedies, because life was too damned unfair to subject herself to the agony of not wanting.
It was just
as
well.
-x-
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