Intro:
Anyway, without further ado, I present to you,
The Story:
I met a guy today, you know that?
I went on an actual date. I mean, I pretended it wasn't one but who am I kidding. It was a date. He said all the right things. He even tried to get me to admit it wasn't a date.
Remember how hard you tried to get me to admit we were dating?
Remember how you insisted those counted as dates.
Remember how hard I fought it?
Why had I fought it?
If only I had known, we had limited time. I should have just enjoyed it...enjoyed you. Enjoyed, US.
He was cute, but not as cute as you.
It's funny, I remember you and I meeting at that lounge/club/bar that first time, and me being nervous about whether you looked good or not because I thought you were cute but I was already half in love with who you were so I was biased...that's how it works for me. I asked a girl if she thought you were good looking, she said, he's hella fiiiiiine. I asked if she wanted me to set you guys up, she said yes, please.
I did...but that's another story for another day.
And you played me back exactly when I played you and I think I couldn't have stopped myself from falling for you, because of that.
It's funny, he played me just like that but in a less long term way.
He was good, but predictable. I let him play me, because it felt like you.
He likes broadway, do you remember when you played my all time favourite jazz song when I said we needed mood music?
You don't know this, but that moment, well. That moment, was when I fell for you so hard that it terrified me.
Life is all about these little moments, aren't they?
I keep saying, oh yeah this moment, this was the one where I fell for you. Seems to be a common trait and I keep saying it for every moment, don't I?
The thing is
I don't think I fell for you just once.
I remember, you'd ask me sometimes, when was it that you fell for me regardless of the fact that you won't admit this is love and I'm not pressuring you to say it back, okay, it's alllll chill so calm down.
I'd glare at you and pretend to be coy but the truth is, I didn't fall in love with you at a certain time. I fell in love with you over and over again. It's funny because it's been so many years, and it's hella scary, but I'm still falling in love with you even though we don't have any new moments and I'm sure, we never will again. I'm not complaining, I know what happened. I don't blame you. I don't blame me. I don't blame us, I love us. I mean, loved. Yes, loved.
We watched a movie, and it wasn't innocent.
I protested but gave in.
Do you think I was being naive to think it would really be innocent?
I didn't believe you when you said it would be.
And yet, every single bone in my body remembers aching for you to move closer. Even cell in my body remembers crying because your skin wasn't touching mine. My lips remember drying up because they were dying to taste yours.
But you did nothing.
We just watched a movie, in the most perfect naive, innocent and achingly painful way.
And it's always been my personal favourite moment, but shh don't tell anybody. It's my secret, okay? Since, I suppose, I never told you.
I was young and stupid, and didn't know how to.
You and me, sitting all alone in our apartment watching a horror movie which I found out, much later, was something you can't put yourself through, but you did. For a random girl you had just met, who you weren't even trying to date or touch.
Gods, but how can hindsight not make me love everything about you even more?
It's funny but if I asked you now, if we ever talked, what you thought, I suppose maybe your answer would be that, we broke up because it wasn't working and the love was gone and all that stuff.
Baby, I may have been irrational and crazy and hurt and resentful and all those horrible things I was being and you, were all those things you were being as well, but I never. Never, ever, EVER, not even for a moment, nay, a second, stopped loving you.
I wouldn't have acted that way if I hadn't felt for you what they write great epic poems about.
Because I loved you so much, I knew what was happening was going to kill me and it did and I did it anyway and that's what I do, don't I?
I'm terrified of being happy and I'm terrified of losing and I need the pain.
Guess who's alone and sad in a corner, listening to your Koop (Island Blues) song on repeat after watching Serendipity and getting triggered by it and can't stop saying "I hate you so much I hate everything about you I hate that I can't hate you and I hate hate H A T E that I love you and never could stop loving you. Gods, but I hate how I can't not love you. After all this time. After all this time, I'm that blasted man. Stupid little Severus Snape. I'm always that little asshole."
He's smart, you know.
I may be biased, but he's not as smart as you.
He can hold me still and have his way with me, while giving me the option of opting out and you know how much I love that. You know how much I needed that, and yet, when you couldn't bear to risk hurting me to do those things, I've never loved you more and hated everyone who can give me what I need even more.
He's respectful, but not as respectful as the man who actually let me stop him from kissing me again and again, until I did it myself. Until I finally gave in. Until I cried and kissed him and asked him why he didn't just grab me and kiss me, because that would have just solved everything and he looked at me and said, I would never. Do that. Unless you asked me to.
I love you.
I love everything about you.
They said I'd get over it, they say I'm still hanging on to the past, what's wrong with me they ask?
It's you.
I'm missing a piece of myself because that piece is you. And if it isn't, then I'm sorry because I guess I gave that piece to you and never really got it back.
I don't want it.
It's yours.
I'm yours.
You'll never know that, haha. Funny, isn't it?
You'll never ever EVER know that I'm yours.
No terms or conditions, I'd marry you today, right here, right now, I don't care but you don't know.
Why
Am
I
Like
This?
*deep breaths*
*uncontrollable shaking*
*refusal to sob anymore*
I love you.
And that's okay.
I'll be okay.
I'll
be
ok
ay.
Oooh, look.
He sent me a text.
It was nice that he said I smell nice.
It was nice when he told me I'm cuter than I could ever look in my pictures.
It's nice that he likes my butt.
It's nice that I smell like him after saying goodbye.
It's...
...nice.
That I can't
ever
forget
how
I
still
want
to
smell
like
you.
Wow.
Whew.
Okay.
Apparently, I'll never get used to not smelling like you. Who knew? Haha. LOL.
I was easy to everyone but you, huh?
I remember you yelling that at me in fits of jealousy and rage.
I remember it hurting that you thought of me as a slut, after all we'd been through.
Darling, my sweet darling, I was never easy for you, simply because unlike them?
You
M
...ma
......mattered.
There, I said it.
Because you mattered. And no one else ever did.
Life's a bitch, isn't it?
Crap, I should text him back.
Time to get back to real life.
You're a ghost in my life that I'll never be able to deal with because I can't not love you.
Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
Maybe I just don't want to.
I
No.
It doesn't matter.
Good night, darling.
Hello, new stranger.
Let's Netflix and chill :)
So, I went on a date recently and I have another one set up for next week. I was talking to a friend of mine and discussing how weird dating is now. He's broken up with his longest and only ex but they still meet as friends and the break up was a few years ago.
We discussed some things and I suppose this story is a result of me going on that date, mixed with his feelings and experiences since then? Or maybe mine, who knows ;)
Anyway, without further ado, I present to you,
The Story:
A Letter From A Twisted Rainbow to Pot of Gold That's the Myth We All Believe
I met a guy today, you know that?
I went on an actual date. I mean, I pretended it wasn't one but who am I kidding. It was a date. He said all the right things. He even tried to get me to admit it wasn't a date.
Remember how hard you tried to get me to admit we were dating?
Remember how you insisted those counted as dates.
Remember how hard I fought it?
Why had I fought it?
If only I had known, we had limited time. I should have just enjoyed it...enjoyed you. Enjoyed, US.
He was cute, but not as cute as you.
It's funny, I remember you and I meeting at that lounge/club/bar that first time, and me being nervous about whether you looked good or not because I thought you were cute but I was already half in love with who you were so I was biased...that's how it works for me. I asked a girl if she thought you were good looking, she said, he's hella fiiiiiine. I asked if she wanted me to set you guys up, she said yes, please.
I did...but that's another story for another day.
And you played me back exactly when I played you and I think I couldn't have stopped myself from falling for you, because of that.
It's funny, he played me just like that but in a less long term way.
He was good, but predictable. I let him play me, because it felt like you.
He likes broadway, do you remember when you played my all time favourite jazz song when I said we needed mood music?
You don't know this, but that moment, well. That moment, was when I fell for you so hard that it terrified me.
Life is all about these little moments, aren't they?
I keep saying, oh yeah this moment, this was the one where I fell for you. Seems to be a common trait and I keep saying it for every moment, don't I?
The thing is
I don't think I fell for you just once.
I remember, you'd ask me sometimes, when was it that you fell for me regardless of the fact that you won't admit this is love and I'm not pressuring you to say it back, okay, it's alllll chill so calm down.
I'd glare at you and pretend to be coy but the truth is, I didn't fall in love with you at a certain time. I fell in love with you over and over again. It's funny because it's been so many years, and it's hella scary, but I'm still falling in love with you even though we don't have any new moments and I'm sure, we never will again. I'm not complaining, I know what happened. I don't blame you. I don't blame me. I don't blame us, I love us. I mean, loved. Yes, loved.
We watched a movie, and it wasn't innocent.
I protested but gave in.
Do you think I was being naive to think it would really be innocent?
I didn't believe you when you said it would be.
And yet, every single bone in my body remembers aching for you to move closer. Even cell in my body remembers crying because your skin wasn't touching mine. My lips remember drying up because they were dying to taste yours.
But you did nothing.
We just watched a movie, in the most perfect naive, innocent and achingly painful way.
And it's always been my personal favourite moment, but shh don't tell anybody. It's my secret, okay? Since, I suppose, I never told you.
I was young and stupid, and didn't know how to.
You and me, sitting all alone in our apartment watching a horror movie which I found out, much later, was something you can't put yourself through, but you did. For a random girl you had just met, who you weren't even trying to date or touch.
Gods, but how can hindsight not make me love everything about you even more?
It's funny but if I asked you now, if we ever talked, what you thought, I suppose maybe your answer would be that, we broke up because it wasn't working and the love was gone and all that stuff.
Baby, I may have been irrational and crazy and hurt and resentful and all those horrible things I was being and you, were all those things you were being as well, but I never. Never, ever, EVER, not even for a moment, nay, a second, stopped loving you.
I wouldn't have acted that way if I hadn't felt for you what they write great epic poems about.
Because I loved you so much, I knew what was happening was going to kill me and it did and I did it anyway and that's what I do, don't I?
I'm terrified of being happy and I'm terrified of losing and I need the pain.
Guess who's alone and sad in a corner, listening to your Koop (Island Blues) song on repeat after watching Serendipity and getting triggered by it and can't stop saying "I hate you so much I hate everything about you I hate that I can't hate you and I hate hate H A T E that I love you and never could stop loving you. Gods, but I hate how I can't not love you. After all this time. After all this time, I'm that blasted man. Stupid little Severus Snape. I'm always that little asshole."
He's smart, you know.
I may be biased, but he's not as smart as you.
He can hold me still and have his way with me, while giving me the option of opting out and you know how much I love that. You know how much I needed that, and yet, when you couldn't bear to risk hurting me to do those things, I've never loved you more and hated everyone who can give me what I need even more.
He's respectful, but not as respectful as the man who actually let me stop him from kissing me again and again, until I did it myself. Until I finally gave in. Until I cried and kissed him and asked him why he didn't just grab me and kiss me, because that would have just solved everything and he looked at me and said, I would never. Do that. Unless you asked me to.
I love you.
I love everything about you.
They said I'd get over it, they say I'm still hanging on to the past, what's wrong with me they ask?
It's you.
I'm missing a piece of myself because that piece is you. And if it isn't, then I'm sorry because I guess I gave that piece to you and never really got it back.
I don't want it.
It's yours.
I'm yours.
You'll never know that, haha. Funny, isn't it?
You'll never ever EVER know that I'm yours.
No terms or conditions, I'd marry you today, right here, right now, I don't care but you don't know.
Why
Am
I
Like
This?
*deep breaths*
*uncontrollable shaking*
*refusal to sob anymore*
I love you.
And that's okay.
I'll be okay.
I'll
be
ok
ay.
Oooh, look.
He sent me a text.
It was nice that he said I smell nice.
It was nice when he told me I'm cuter than I could ever look in my pictures.
It's nice that he likes my butt.
It's nice that I smell like him after saying goodbye.
It's...
...nice.
That I can't
ever
forget
how
I
still
want
to
smell
like
you.
Wow.
Whew.
Okay.
Apparently, I'll never get used to not smelling like you. Who knew? Haha. LOL.
I was easy to everyone but you, huh?
I remember you yelling that at me in fits of jealousy and rage.
I remember it hurting that you thought of me as a slut, after all we'd been through.
Darling, my sweet darling, I was never easy for you, simply because unlike them?
You
M
...ma
......mattered.
There, I said it.
Because you mattered. And no one else ever did.
Life's a bitch, isn't it?
Crap, I should text him back.
Time to get back to real life.
You're a ghost in my life that I'll never be able to deal with because I can't not love you.
Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
Maybe I just don't want to.
I
No.
It doesn't matter.
Good night, darling.
Hello, new stranger.
Let's Netflix and chill :)
-x-
I love the twist on Netflix and chill!
ReplyDelete